Happily ever after…or is it?

Never in my life had I wanted to get married.
But I did.
And when I did, never did I think I would get a divorce.
But I am doing that too.

Fate has a way to turn a life around in ways that we never thought it would.
And sometimes when you thought you are walking alone, along the path less taken, you noticed that you are never quite alone.

Since the time my own marriage fell apart, I’ve come to know quite a few of my friends are also going through the very same.
2 of them, are friends very close to heart.
Yet, as we grow up, we grow apart.
So much so that I failed to notice they too were having issues of their own.
Or perhaps, I was just too absorbed in my own issues that I failed to see theirs.

When one of them told me that it was over for her and her partner too, my heart broke for her..and I somehow traveled back in time.
I recalled her walking down the aisle, looking like the happiest person ever.
I recalled thinking “she has truly found her happily ever after..”
I recalled being happy for her happiness.
Naturally, she was the last person that would come to mind to end up in the same state I ended up.

Which made me think…
How arrogant of us, of me, to believe, almost blindly, without much foresight, in happily ever after.
To believe that things would just fall into place naturally like fairy tales.
When I had always known, life is far from a fairy tale.
That happily ever after… Is more like a phantom.
An illusion sold to kids by storybooks.

“Life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed, and imperfect.”

When I caught up with her, it has been years since we last spoke, no less than a decade since we last met.
Yet, we spoke to each other as if we only caught up yesterday.
Conversations came naturally, and we spoke candidly, comfortably..on our successes, and failures, our ups and downs, our highs and lows.
As we both confided in each other, shared our happiness and grief, laughed at our misfortunes, all issues, problems that once seemed insurmountable became a lot smaller..
“A good laugh heals a lot of hurt”
We laughed until it hurts, and then some more.

Something she said left me thinking. “Things aren’t inherently good or bad. It’s just our perspectives that made it good..or bad”
As we stand at what seems like the end of the road, It is important to recognize that this is also the beginning of something new.
To start afresh, to choose again, to not choose again, to take charge, to decide the path forward.

Perhaps, happily ever after is a choice too.
That we can consciously make, to be
Regardless of our circumstances.
Regardless of our status.

Life’s a marathon

2013 was the third year that I joined a run…the 10km run..
The first run I ever joined, was 3 years ago…
Then, I recalled I’ve asked myself time and again, what have I got myself into…
Then, most people were laughing at my stupidity, or my ability to over-estimate myself…

Yet, since then, I’ve joined another 2 runs…
A yearly affair, but this year, as I was running, it occurred to me, that the run, is just like life..

At the very beginning, we were all geared up, all excited to go..
In life, when we were younger, we were all excited about first day of school, then college, and then uni.
Thereafter, we get so sick of studying, we couldn’t wait until we get into the work force and be financially independent…
We get excited with a promotion, and some, the move out of the house, the beginning of a relationship, the wedding, etc…

At the start, we run with everyone..
In life, we started pre-school, primary school, secondary school…we made friends easily, everyone gets along considerably well, we study, play, hang out with our classmates, with our schoolmates..
When we first joined the workforce, we joined as a batch, with all the other fresh off the boats uni grads..

And slowly, people get further apart, the faster runners sped ahead, the slower runners get left behind..
In life, as we grow older, people grow apart…be it a change in circumstances, change in way of life, or the different choices we made in life…
Sometimes, we get left behind, and at other times, we leave others behind…

There will always be times where we would be running, all alone…and other times, joined by a few others..
In life, there are, for most of us, some parts of life that we walked alone..
The deepest secret, some experiences, some feelings…
For some, there were times we felt alone, even in the crowds..
For others, battling a demon inside; be it depression, stress, or other emotional pain that we felt we couldn’t express out…
At other times, we make some acquaintances, some friends, some lovers…
Most would come and go, a few that stays…

Some uphill run which seems impossible, some downhill route that’s a breeze..
In life, sometimes, things are very smooth sailing – a good career, promotion, bonus, relationship that just works, a supportive family, friends all around…
Yet, other times, we wonder if there is ever light at the end of the tunnel..We fall and fall, and as we thought we’ve hit the rock bottom, it turned out to be quicksand, falling further, faster – A time where nothing works. And most often, these are the times we felt most alone..

Sometimes, we planned, imagined, and practise the run in our head, but God has other plans; a twisted ankle, a knee that decided to give up before you do, rain and wind…
In life, we would plan for a lot, and for some, planned very far ahead…but over a night, with one phone call, in a snap of finger, we could find ourselves looking at our grand plan crumbling…
We could plan for our entire life, but who is to tell that we have 60 years, or 70 years of life?

Yet, ultimately, with resilience, perseverance, the right attitude, and belief, we would eventually reach the finishing line…still running…or walking…or limping…
I’ve had my share of easy flat surface, and downhill run, my share of good times..
2013, has been more uphill for me…at times wondering if there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel..
With every year, I trained a lil more, the run gets a lil easier…yet, every year, I’ve come to realised that my time never really improves. I’m amazed at myself at how consistent my time has been…albeit in a disappointing way because I can’t see the improvements I wished for.
Yet, I’ve learned that although my time may not be improving, it gets easier to run. Less aching during and after, less huffing and puffing during.
I’ve also learned that as much as it’s a physical run, it’s more of a mental game. To finish the race, we must be mentally prepared.

Some runners were as fast as lightning at the start, yet, they’d finish on a stretcher.
Some would give up halfway, for things got too difficult, the injuries were too much to bear, the aches and pain too much to take..
Some others were slow and steady, and although may be the last few to finish the race, they’d finish.

Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the finish line when we decided to give up.
Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the end of the tunnel when we cave in to the darkness.

Life, is not a sprint. Life, is a marathon.
I came across this video in Ted Talk, which has a rather interesting perspective of what drives success.

That at the end of the day, it’s not about talent, it’s not about how smart we are…
Neither about how gifted, nor how confident…
It’s about perseverance, persevere when things take a turn for the worse, persevere when success seems the most unlikely result…
It’s about an undying passion, for long term…

You ran the marathon..
Notwithstanding the injuries, irregardless of the rain and storm, in spite of the pain..
you finished..
And for that, I am truly proud of you..

As for me, I ran just another 10km.
But the run was liberating..
I now understand some things which I struggled to fathom..
“Life is like a topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure”..
Calvin

 

Into Perspective

A few days ago, a decision was made..
That some things, no matter how unwilling, needs to be address..
That some things, no matter how difficult, needs to be accepted…
That sometimes, no matter how reluctant, we need to move on…
And sometimes, no matter how dark it is, we take that first step, in darkness, in faith..

For the moment that first step is taken, things get easier.
In the absence of light, at the times where darkness conquer, one gets to choose…
To either let the darkness seep in, and get the better of us,
Or to let the light within lead us forward, in search of the light at the end of tunnel..

A friend once said to me “You think too much…relax..stop thinking so much and you’ll probably be happier”
So I did…
Only to realise, there’s no one shoe that fits all..

We all have a demon inside…
And we all have our own ways to deal with that demon..
Some has the ability to push it aside, storing it in the ice box so that it never sees light again,
Others battle with that demon, reason with it, argues with it..

For the latter, ignoring the demon only gives it more power over the person,
More freedom to roam, more room to influence, more ways to bring the person down…

A few days ago, I decided that it’s time that I stop running away, stop avoiding, stop hiding..
After what seems like eternity, I sat down, in front of my laptop..
I reminiscence..
I reflect…
I think…
Letting the grief, the frustration, the painful memories run..
Letting the tears flow…
Letting the weakness show…

Yet, during those times, I was finally able to put somethings into perspective..
There’s a Buddhist saying..
That life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed and imperfect..
There are only 3 certainties in life the moment we were born: Aging, Illness and Death (And for most, tax)
Everything else, is fleeting.
Yet, we tried to hold onto things that are constantly changing, that’s short-lived.
Tried holding on to an illusion, a phantom…something that’s never ours to hold onto.

If, and only if we are able to see beyond me, myself and I,
When we learn to let go what is temporary, keeping the best part of the memories, memories,
life would be a lot easier.
For you once said to me “We come to this world alone..and we leave this world alone…”

I’m still learning, taking one step at a time, but I’ll get there…
For I’ve stop running, I’ve stop hiding..
I’m fighting that demon, head on.

That night, I penned down 2 posts.
That night, I let go..
That night, I found myself, only human…
That night, I took the first step, the leap of faith..
That night, I felt peace..

The heart has a mind..

…that the brain does not know of..

It has been more than 2 months since you left, and things have never been quite the same..
A rough patch of life, where things seem to fall apart more than it seems to fall together.
The day after my flight back to Melbourne, when I was feeling unwell, hopeless, and helpless,
I saw a double rainbow…a good sign, a sign of hope…
For rainbow could only appear after the rain..
I wondered if you were watching over me…giving me the strength…

For most of my life, I’ve been a considerably strong person. One that is capable of taking good care of myself, put my thoughts forward, stand for myself, by myself.
And due to that very fact, I’ve held my head high, taking on challenges head on..
Yet, sometimes, we get reminded, that we are only human.
And for that, there will be times where we would be down at our knees, seeking for a way out of the misery.

I couldn’t help but realise, that I’ve been a shadow of myself.
In those days, no matter how the odds were stacked against one, I’d challenged it – Do your worst, and you’ll see the best of me.
No matter the stress, the pressure, faced head on, tackled head on.
Yet, I’ve been running…only to find I couldn’t hide..
I’ve refused to shed any more tears for your passing, refused to face certain issues which have been bothering me…
Refused to think, refused to address…
Avoiding when possible, running away if need be..

Yet, life has a funny way to deal with people…
The more one turns away, the more it haunts one down…
The more one runs away, the more powerful it becomes…
It gains its grip over the person so subtly, that the person was not aware that the burden has grown increasingly heavy
As much as one can run, one can’t hide.
As much as the brain can be rational, the heart is breaking down..
While thinking that time heals, and time will show, unexpectedly, one gets hit..hard..
The world around the person goes into a whirlwind, downhill, with no end in sight..

For the past months, I’ve been running…
Refusing to address the issue, refusing to face the facts, refusing to accept reality..
Hoping that it will go away, that normalcy will return..
After all, what else can I ask for?
A professional, steady career, decent pay, a roof on top of my head, a car to drive, some money in the bank, a relationship, out of the country to greener pasture…
Yet, sometimes, none of the above, not even all the above, guarantees happiness, and peace of mind.

All the issues being brushed aside coming back to haunt the mind,
the burden gets heavier as days go by.
So much so, that all we want, is to give in, and give up…

There comes a time where we need to stop running, stop hiding…
There comes a time where we need to decide, to take on the challenge, to take a conscious stand, to stand, and to fight.
For irregardless of the result, it is better off that we fought a battle with all we have and lose, than never to have fought at all and admit defeat.

Today, on my way home, I saw another double rainbow…
During my darker times…you gave me hope…
I knew then…that I would now have the courage to face all that I should have faced months ago.
That my time, to fight the war, is now.
That although I may lose this battle, I will win the war…
Because you’re watching over me from above…
Because you taught me, even at the very last moment of your life, “When there’s a will, there’s a way”…
You’ve fought your battles gracefully, it is about time I fight mine…

I remember

My lil abandoned place…
A place where thoughts, perspectives, happenings get penned down.
A place where I reminiscence, a place to express myself, a place for me to remember…
Because we are only human.
Over time, we forget…Over time, we change…
And reading back my own posts, I could see the change in myself..driven by maturity, driven by circumstances, for better, or for worse.

Yet, some things, stay in our memory for longer..
Some memories, don’t fade over time…
Some memories, become lessons in life, and shapes the person we are.

I remember..
I remember those were the days…
I remember how you would go up the school bus with me to kindergarden.
And how you used to tell me, years later, how you’d tell the school bus driver to “scold” you and not let you into the bus, so that I could learn to be more independent, and actually go to school by myself..
The early mornings when you’d wake up the ever-so-grumpy me to catch the school bus even before 6am in the morning, and you’d wait with me for the bus..
The late nights when you would stood outside the house, worrying, wondering if all is well, when it took me nearly an hour longer to get home because the new bus driver drove like a tortoise.

I remember…
I remember the days where you’d cook us clams, and we’d have a “picnic” at the car porch, with an umbrella, and have our lunch with the scorching heat…
The nights where we’d play camping with the blanket and the double decker bed,
I remember the stories you told us when we couldn’t sleep at night…
Both the funny – The mice and the rice warehouse, and the heart wrenching – the days of World War 2 and the Japanese Occupation.
I’ll always remember the days in Cheras, the time when you bought me a pair of chicks just because I commented they looked oh-so-cute on tv…my first ever pet.
When one of the chicks died, the devastation I felt…and how I refused to eat chicken for the entire week…

I remember…
Your happy face when I was back during Chinese New Year, the reunion dinner, the second day big lunch, the yee sang..
I remember driving over to where you are every morning, spending the time with family…
And the fact that you still went out for dinner the night before I leave for Melbourne, although you were considerably weak, and have not left the house for a bit due to that..
The effort you made, your laughter at my lame jokes that night…

I remember…
The pain in your face and expression when I visited the night I touched down…
The very face that turned so peaceful the next morning, as you slip into unconsciousness..
I remember the stories we’d share with you, laughing, crying, by your bed side…
How your feet and hands slowly turned cold as the day passes…finally leaving us for good that very night…
I’d never forget how you persevered, to keep to your word, that you’d wait for us to return…
How you held on, despite the fact that the body has failed you, with just your willpower.
That until the very last moment of your life, you taught, by example, the final lesson in life:
When there’s a will, there’s a way…

You’ve worked hard, been through so much, enjoyed too little…
I hope you’ve now gone to a better place,
Where you’d get to reap what you sow…
I still do miss you..lots…
But I remind myself, everytime, that your journey, while full of challenges, you’ve emerged, against the odds, victorious.
That it should be a celebration of the life you had, the lives you’ve shaped and changed…rather than mourn for your passing…
I will remember…but until then, allow me to be weak, and shed my tears for what I would never be able to hold, to see, to talk to…just a lil more…
One day, when I’m ready, I’ll let go…

Home…

Home…
There’s always a saying that home is where the heart is.

It’s been a year, and by chance, by fate, or by luck, the day which marks the year, was also the day I actually headed back…

Some things have changed a fair bit…

Scene 1
Me: Ooooo…is that Paradigm Mall? It’s completed~!
Mom: Open for a while dy laaaa…
Me: (*.*) Wow….
Mom: I’ll bring you there one day…
Me:…aiseh..you mean, I drive YOU there

Scene 2
Me: Eh…how come like that one?? I wanna go left~! Why it’s blocked?
Friend: Err….it’s been a while since they changed the road…
Me: (o.O) *Horror face* Nooooooooooo….
Friend: Told ya to turn left earlier you didn’t wanna listen..
Me: ….boooo~! So how now, brown cow?

Scene 3
Friend: Are you here yet? Where would you like to meet up?
Me: Yeah..here…but… *looks left, looks right*…I dunno where am I…
Friend: (-.-)” Aiseh…you so jakun~! hehehe..I come over. Let me know what shops you can see around you..
Me: (o.O)….(T.T)…okok…

Some things, unfortunately, never change…

Heading off to Aunt’s
Me: Wah sai..why so jam one~! It’s not even peak hours leh…
Dad: Here 24/7 also jam one la…
Me:…it wasn’t this bad when I left ma…. (~.~)

Chinese New Year eve at Aunt’s place
Aunt: Eh..all of you..be careful when you get up/down the car yeah…the neighbour next door was robbed yesterday, afternoon, right in front of the house.. Just outside *points out*
Me: Eeeeekkksssss…isn’t this place gated and guarded??
Aunt: *shrugs* That one for show only…
Me: (=.=)”

During dinner with friends..
Friend: !#$@% la. Look at this *Shows scratch*..
Everyone: What happened??
Friend: Was heading home one day, when some fella on motorcycle came smashing my car window at the traffic lights..

A nation that once had so much to offer, so much opportunities..
A country that has so much natural resources…
A nationality, which I have no qualms telling others, and no shame admitting…
A culture, which I generally consider unique, from the food, to the “modified” spoken English language..
A place I once called home…

It’s scary, yet, more importantly, it’s sad. It’s really, really sad.
Sad at how things have turned out, for the worse, over the years..
Sad that such beautiful place, such nice country, is now marred by all these…
Sad that I couldn’t even feel safe at my own home..
Sad, that every night that I drove alone, I was really scared, for my belongings, for my safety, for my life..

As I departed for “home”, I was excited.
Excited to be seeing the family.
Excited to be seeing my friends..
Happy that I could celebrate CNY with the people dearest to me, meeting old friends, and eat good, cheap, yummy food..

2 weeks later, as I got ready to leave, I asked myself a question…
A question, that I don’t seem to have an answer to..
…I wasn’t as sure if I’m leaving home, or I’m leaving for home…

2012, in summary

A year that possibly marks the close of one chapter of life.
A year that possibly, has the least going on.
A year of much significance, much meaning, yet, also a year that really, has been considerably bland.
A year that started off with a bang, a resignation, a break, and a pack of the bags. A move down under, which, for the better, or worse, only time will tell…only god knows.
A year thats of much struggle, in most aspects…
A year that has tested me, pushed me to my limits…
A year that I realised I really am not as strong as I thought, I really am not as free as I would like, that I really, am like any others, only human.
A year of much new experiences, yet a year of much challenges.A year of vulnerabilities, a year of helplessness, a year of change.
A year of learning, and understanding that perhaps, life really has been easy on me.Life has been kind, and I have really been fortunate, sheltered from the storms, and the rain.

I would like to give a month to month run down as I have been doing for the past years, only to realise it it anything but possible.
For nothing concrete has been taking place…
Yet, it has been a year of emotional development
Of expectations, of frustration, of hope, of despair, of love and life, of heartbreak…
None of which I could tell with certainty, when or how or where they took place…

Overall, this has been a tough, and challenging year
And that was possibly the reason for the lack of updates…for there were times that as much as I seek for solace, for peace within, for happiness, I couldn’t find any….

Familiarity becomes a strange phenomena, as compared to it being a norm…

I’ve learned much, not quite in a way most perceived, but it has been a year of discovery, on my emotional self…
As the year draw to a close, I hope for a better year ahead.
All the same time, I’m thankful for having experienced more, gained a lil, and hopefully, grew..
Well, not growing old (which unfortunately happens to all), but growing up.
And as we enter into the new year, after a year where some believed to be the end of the world, I truly hope, 2013 would be a new beginning, with a stronger, more compassionate me…

The next chapter…of life.

You step into the plane, with a one way ticket.
The heart pounding, excited with what’s ahead, yet so afraid of the unknown.
They said “You don’t have to see the whole ladder. Just take the first step, in faith”
You took that step, and yet, couldn’t help but wonder, if that was one step to the right direction.
After all, all your life, you’ve made carefully calculated move. A move that you were almost certain to be the right move.
However, for this one time, you have your doubts.
Sure things weren’t the most rosy here, with all the ups and downs, yet, everytime you fell, your family has always been there, to be your pillar of support.
Even as life was a roller coaster, there will be people you could fall back on.
Yet, you’ve decided to make the move…praying for the best, while expecting the worst.

You boarded the flight, and while looking back at one last time, you told yourself “There’s no turning back now..”
And the next chapter of life begins…
With you waking up the next morning thinking “Where the hell am I?” for somehow, you dreamt you were home…

Everyone told you how lucky you are, to be able to start the afresh, in the greener pastures, all the support you will have, how things would be a walk in the park…
Yet, deep down, all you could tell yourself is “God will not close all the doors without opening a window for me”….
Because you’ve seen it happening…you could foresee it happening…
You sensed it, but had no choice but to ignore it, hoping for the best…

Days turn to weeks, to months….
And you began to question if you truly made a wrong move, for once…
That the calculation was…indeed…wrong…
Only that, the worse is yet to come..

While the calculation could have been wrong on one side, the maths were almost spot-on on the other.
Unfortunately…it was the “other” that you hoped you got wrong..
The only mistake that you made?…The timing…

Your world began to crumble, your ego hit time and again, your efforts – unrecognised, your support system showing signs of breakdown…and subsequently, hell broke loose..
Your worst fear became reality…
You contemplated about the whole thing, you contemplated about ending it all…
You wondered if that leap of faith failed you..
You wondered if hope has abandoned you…
You wondered if that window was really opened…
You wondered….

Yet, you have no idea why you are not letting go..
You have no idea why you are not giving up…
When facts and circumstances has pushed you to the corner…

Perhaps, you were too stubborn to admit defeat…
Perhaps the ego wouldn’t let you..
Perhaps, you were too stubborn to give up…
Perhaps, you just believed that it will work out…eventually…
And with that blind believe which is totally unsubstantiated, where the maths doesn’t add up, where the facts showed otherwise, you persevered.

Success isn’t final, failure isn’t fatal, it’s the courage to go on that counts

Sir Winston Churchill

With that, you march on.
Thankful…for it is when you are down and out, you see the worst of a person.
Regrettable, for you’ve hoped that you were wrong in the latter equation, you’ve hoped that history was not of the norm…
Grateful…for now, you know, he saw the worst of you…and things could only get better from now..
Learned…that if things don’t work out one way, change the approach, and try again…
Believe…even if you can’t substantiate or logically deduce the believe
Hope…even when there seems to be nothing left…
Determined…that if you fall, even time and again, you’d stand back up, stronger..and one day, you will prove those who doubted, those who questioned, those who criticised, that you could rise…
And you would…

After all, when you have hit the rock bottom, the only way to go is up…
Things will slowly, but surely, fall into place…
You will emerge, a stronger, better person.
And this, is just the beginning of a new chapter in life..

The “C”s of a relationship

When we were younger, the criteria to find a good partner, and especially, boyfriend, is simple. One with cash, credit card, car, career, and condo.
If one meets the above criteria, he’s a good catch. A jackpot.
It’s really not uncommon to say “The boyfriend drives a Benz”, or “he’s an investment banker in [insert a bank’s name]”
After all, these are the things that many could easily see, and judge on.

But if anyone is to look for any relationship of more depth, one would know we should be looking for a lot of other attributes, but that..
Because even if the cash could get you a Chanel, it may not open a channel of communication.
Because even if the car could bring you places, it couldn’t teach on compassion
Because even if the partner has the best of career, it may, in exchange, loses the time to care.
Because one may has a house, but not a home.

It’s never difficult to get into a relationship.
In fact, when times are good, it’s not even a challenge to maintain one.
But life is not a bed of roses.

Relationships are about compromise.
It is about taking a step back, for the better good.
It is about knowing how to win an argument, how to have the last say, but not using it.
It is about not doing things your way, but instead, our way.

Relationships are about communication.
It is about sharing both ups and downs,
It is about not taking the other person for granted for knowing/ understanding, and actually communicate.
Even if the chips are down. Even if things aren’t looking fantastic.

Relationships are about commitment.
As much as we see some other couples who seems perfect, perhaps the fact is, no relationship is perfect.
And no matter how perfect it is, there would be times where it stumbles and falls.
There would be times where things hit a rough patch, things fall apart
And when things get tough, it’s easy to walk away..it’s easier to call it quits
It takes a lot of determination, and commitment, to work things out.
To make it work.

Yet, one other very important attribute, isn’t a “C”.
Trust.
Without trust, it doesn’t matter how hard one wants a relationship to work, it is doomed to fail.
Because without trust, all one does is suffocates the partner, and pushes him/her to the edge, an inch off insanity.
A friend once said to me, just ask yourself this. If you couldn’t trust him, if you are convinced your partner would wrong you, why are you even with the person?

There is no such thing as a perfect partner, or a perfect relationship.
The question is, are there enough from both to make it work?
The question is, could you find a person where you could tolerate his/ her imperfections?
One that you would think worth the time, worth the effort, worth the compromise, commit…

Conclusion: All the above are very logical, and rational. And one would tend to think, we all know this…
The issue is, when life crumbles, when things go bad, when judgment gets clouded, and emotions are a mess, when it’s so much easier to walk away, could we still practice what is preached?

Negativity breeds negativity

“Negativity breeds negativity. We cannot let that infest us”
Those were the words that was often said by a person I knew..

I’ve never truly agreed with that, for negativity has helped me, as a person.
But, I couldn’t quite explain how…or why…but it has..

Until a few days ago, I stumbled across an article:

It’s Time to End Our Obsession With Positive Thinking

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

This well-meaning piece of advice was the chorus of a popular 80s song by Bobby McFerrin. It also probably represents the general philosophical attitude of western society in terms of how to maximize our quality of life.

There is a wonderful intuitiveness to such advice. Worry and other negative thoughts cause negative emotions, which are not pleasant. Conversely, happiness and thinking positively feel good. Easy choice, right?

“Think positively” and “the power of positive thinking” have become trademark slogans in our society. From self-help magazine articles to motivational speakers to friends and family, it has become folklore wisdom — fill your mind with positivity and you shall reap the mental health benefits.

In fact, negative thoughts and negative emotions tend to be seen as akin to germs and viruses — things to be avoided and fought. For many people, positive thinking is like medicine for one’s mental health (a cheaper, side effect free version of antidepressants).

The problem is that while positive thinking can yield some mental health benefits, an excessive and rigid search for positivity can bring about the opposite effect.

Sticking with the analogy of germs, negative thoughts and emotions (including stress) can be a good thing in moderation — like germs or viruses that stimulate the functioning of the immune system. There are a number of benefits of negativity, and at least some negativity in one’s life from time to time is probably desirable.

First, negative thinking can be adaptive. When problems arise, worry can be a constructive thing if it leads to problem-solving. Anxiety is useful when we are threatened and are in need of safety. (For example, you should feel some anxiety when driving in poor weather.) Sadness is a normal emotion in the context of loss. In fact, it is believed that the symptoms of depression evolved to facilitate the need for rest, protection and self-soothing.[1]

Second, negative life experiences (including negative thoughts and emotions) often play a significant role in maturation and character development. Guilt and shame not only allow us to recognize and correct mistakes we’ve made, but also to become a better person. Repeat experiences with frustration help build tolerance and may ultimately assist in the development of patience.

Third, the negative in life makes possible the enjoyment of positive things. Our perceptions are often shaped by contrasts. If you move your hand from ice-cold water to lukewarm water, lukewarm feels hot. A positive life experience will be more intense and meaningful if it occurs when stress and other problems have been in the background. When life is perfect, it is more difficult to enjoy the good things. Generally speaking, the threshold for receiving pleasure and enjoyment from experiences is more difficult to reach when pleasure and positivity are the norm.

Just as an immune system can become stronger with exposure to germs, people can become more capable of coping and enjoying life when they have had some exposure to negative life events (like a vaccine).

If negativity is a germ, positive thinking is Purell — certainly useful and needed, but some wonder whether its overuse weaken the user? Research shows that when people experience very few negative life events, they have less life satisfaction and more distress than those who have had to cope with moderate amounts of stress.[2]

Some people avoid negativity like they are trying to avoid a dangerous microorganism, and conversely strive to be surrounded by “positive energy” — a common pop culture term that I admittedly do not fully understand, but it sounds like a wonderful shield against the trials of life. (Oh, if only Schopenhauer had had more of this energy, how differently his life would have been!)

Now, allow me to be clear. I am not arguing against positive thoughts. They certainly have their place in mental health and can be very helpful and important.

However, it is probably best to use adaptive thinking instead of rigid, positive thinking. Adaptive thinking is defined by one’s ability to use whichever thoughts are best suited to a given situation. Sometimes we need to worry and feel anxious. Focusing on the positive while failing all of your university courses is not an adaptive strategy.

Conversely, trying to obsessively identify your faults (ie., self-criticism) and exaggerating the meaning of mistakes serves no useful function either.

Ideally, the goal is to utilize the most useful thought, emotion or behaviour — regardless of whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Psychologists have referred to this approach as psychological flexibility, and it is a significant predictor of psychological well-being.[3]

Being flexible with positive and negative psychological states of mind can be difficult to achieve, but is more likely to yield significant benefits in the long run.

Finally, it should also be noted that if it were easy to simply stop one’s worries and just “be happy,” I’d be out of a job.

Roger Covin, Huffington Post

Perhaps that was what happened.
Negativity may not necessarily breeds negativity.
For because of the negatives, we enjoy the positives.
Because of the sadness in life, we learn what it feels like to be happy.
Because we’ve been through the dark, we value light.
Because we understand loneliness, we cherish companionship.

The other day, What started off as spring cleaning turned out to be more. A fair bit more..
As I went through files after files, of study notes made as far as >10 years back, of certificates, examination results, achievements, report cards, etc., I had a walk down memory lane.
Some memories were happy, some not so.., some, surprisingly, still brings me pain till today..

But looking back…
Some success were overrated.
Some failures, overwhelming.
Some things which we thought was of utmost importance, in fact, has lil relevance.
Some emphasis, were way off the mark.
Some things which we thought matter, really didn’t matter.
While some things which we thought didn’t matter, are the ones that truly matters.
More importantly, while we were focusing on how to be happy, how to be successful, how to be the best of the rest, we have overlooked the importance of those not so pleasant experiences have in our lives..
That those failures, unhappy moments have the ability to shape our lives to a certain extent…in a good way…
It shaped mine..
We matured, and developed as a person, during adverse times.
We learn to stand back up when we fall, when the chips are down.
We learn of patience, of tolerance, of perseverance, and even, of compassion.

Some people has commented that I’m not the most positive person…
Perhaps, if only the person could see, there’s another perpective to it..