Life’s a marathon

2013 was the third year that I joined a run…the 10km run..
The first run I ever joined, was 3 years ago…
Then, I recalled I’ve asked myself time and again, what have I got myself into…
Then, most people were laughing at my stupidity, or my ability to over-estimate myself…

Yet, since then, I’ve joined another 2 runs…
A yearly affair, but this year, as I was running, it occurred to me, that the run, is just like life..

At the very beginning, we were all geared up, all excited to go..
In life, when we were younger, we were all excited about first day of school, then college, and then uni.
Thereafter, we get so sick of studying, we couldn’t wait until we get into the work force and be financially independent…
We get excited with a promotion, and some, the move out of the house, the beginning of a relationship, the wedding, etc…

At the start, we run with everyone..
In life, we started pre-school, primary school, secondary school…we made friends easily, everyone gets along considerably well, we study, play, hang out with our classmates, with our schoolmates..
When we first joined the workforce, we joined as a batch, with all the other fresh off the boats uni grads..

And slowly, people get further apart, the faster runners sped ahead, the slower runners get left behind..
In life, as we grow older, people grow apart…be it a change in circumstances, change in way of life, or the different choices we made in life…
Sometimes, we get left behind, and at other times, we leave others behind…

There will always be times where we would be running, all alone…and other times, joined by a few others..
In life, there are, for most of us, some parts of life that we walked alone..
The deepest secret, some experiences, some feelings…
For some, there were times we felt alone, even in the crowds..
For others, battling a demon inside; be it depression, stress, or other emotional pain that we felt we couldn’t express out…
At other times, we make some acquaintances, some friends, some lovers…
Most would come and go, a few that stays…

Some uphill run which seems impossible, some downhill route that’s a breeze..
In life, sometimes, things are very smooth sailing – a good career, promotion, bonus, relationship that just works, a supportive family, friends all around…
Yet, other times, we wonder if there is ever light at the end of the tunnel..We fall and fall, and as we thought we’ve hit the rock bottom, it turned out to be quicksand, falling further, faster – A time where nothing works. And most often, these are the times we felt most alone..

Sometimes, we planned, imagined, and practise the run in our head, but God has other plans; a twisted ankle, a knee that decided to give up before you do, rain and wind…
In life, we would plan for a lot, and for some, planned very far ahead…but over a night, with one phone call, in a snap of finger, we could find ourselves looking at our grand plan crumbling…
We could plan for our entire life, but who is to tell that we have 60 years, or 70 years of life?

Yet, ultimately, with resilience, perseverance, the right attitude, and belief, we would eventually reach the finishing line…still running…or walking…or limping…
I’ve had my share of easy flat surface, and downhill run, my share of good times..
2013, has been more uphill for me…at times wondering if there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel..
With every year, I trained a lil more, the run gets a lil easier…yet, every year, I’ve come to realised that my time never really improves. I’m amazed at myself at how consistent my time has been…albeit in a disappointing way because I can’t see the improvements I wished for.
Yet, I’ve learned that although my time may not be improving, it gets easier to run. Less aching during and after, less huffing and puffing during.
I’ve also learned that as much as it’s a physical run, it’s more of a mental game. To finish the race, we must be mentally prepared.

Some runners were as fast as lightning at the start, yet, they’d finish on a stretcher.
Some would give up halfway, for things got too difficult, the injuries were too much to bear, the aches and pain too much to take..
Some others were slow and steady, and although may be the last few to finish the race, they’d finish.

Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the finish line when we decided to give up.
Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the end of the tunnel when we cave in to the darkness.

Life, is not a sprint. Life, is a marathon.
I came across this video in Ted Talk, which has a rather interesting perspective of what drives success.

That at the end of the day, it’s not about talent, it’s not about how smart we are…
Neither about how gifted, nor how confident…
It’s about perseverance, persevere when things take a turn for the worse, persevere when success seems the most unlikely result…
It’s about an undying passion, for long term…

You ran the marathon..
Notwithstanding the injuries, irregardless of the rain and storm, in spite of the pain..
you finished..
And for that, I am truly proud of you..

As for me, I ran just another 10km.
But the run was liberating..
I now understand some things which I struggled to fathom..
“Life is like a topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure”..
Calvin

 

The next chapter…of life.

You step into the plane, with a one way ticket.
The heart pounding, excited with what’s ahead, yet so afraid of the unknown.
They said “You don’t have to see the whole ladder. Just take the first step, in faith”
You took that step, and yet, couldn’t help but wonder, if that was one step to the right direction.
After all, all your life, you’ve made carefully calculated move. A move that you were almost certain to be the right move.
However, for this one time, you have your doubts.
Sure things weren’t the most rosy here, with all the ups and downs, yet, everytime you fell, your family has always been there, to be your pillar of support.
Even as life was a roller coaster, there will be people you could fall back on.
Yet, you’ve decided to make the move…praying for the best, while expecting the worst.

You boarded the flight, and while looking back at one last time, you told yourself “There’s no turning back now..”
And the next chapter of life begins…
With you waking up the next morning thinking “Where the hell am I?” for somehow, you dreamt you were home…

Everyone told you how lucky you are, to be able to start the afresh, in the greener pastures, all the support you will have, how things would be a walk in the park…
Yet, deep down, all you could tell yourself is “God will not close all the doors without opening a window for me”….
Because you’ve seen it happening…you could foresee it happening…
You sensed it, but had no choice but to ignore it, hoping for the best…

Days turn to weeks, to months….
And you began to question if you truly made a wrong move, for once…
That the calculation was…indeed…wrong…
Only that, the worse is yet to come..

While the calculation could have been wrong on one side, the maths were almost spot-on on the other.
Unfortunately…it was the “other” that you hoped you got wrong..
The only mistake that you made?…The timing…

Your world began to crumble, your ego hit time and again, your efforts – unrecognised, your support system showing signs of breakdown…and subsequently, hell broke loose..
Your worst fear became reality…
You contemplated about the whole thing, you contemplated about ending it all…
You wondered if that leap of faith failed you..
You wondered if hope has abandoned you…
You wondered if that window was really opened…
You wondered….

Yet, you have no idea why you are not letting go..
You have no idea why you are not giving up…
When facts and circumstances has pushed you to the corner…

Perhaps, you were too stubborn to admit defeat…
Perhaps the ego wouldn’t let you..
Perhaps, you were too stubborn to give up…
Perhaps, you just believed that it will work out…eventually…
And with that blind believe which is totally unsubstantiated, where the maths doesn’t add up, where the facts showed otherwise, you persevered.

Success isn’t final, failure isn’t fatal, it’s the courage to go on that counts

Sir Winston Churchill

With that, you march on.
Thankful…for it is when you are down and out, you see the worst of a person.
Regrettable, for you’ve hoped that you were wrong in the latter equation, you’ve hoped that history was not of the norm…
Grateful…for now, you know, he saw the worst of you…and things could only get better from now..
Learned…that if things don’t work out one way, change the approach, and try again…
Believe…even if you can’t substantiate or logically deduce the believe
Hope…even when there seems to be nothing left…
Determined…that if you fall, even time and again, you’d stand back up, stronger..and one day, you will prove those who doubted, those who questioned, those who criticised, that you could rise…
And you would…

After all, when you have hit the rock bottom, the only way to go is up…
Things will slowly, but surely, fall into place…
You will emerge, a stronger, better person.
And this, is just the beginning of a new chapter in life..

Negativity breeds negativity

“Negativity breeds negativity. We cannot let that infest us”
Those were the words that was often said by a person I knew..

I’ve never truly agreed with that, for negativity has helped me, as a person.
But, I couldn’t quite explain how…or why…but it has..

Until a few days ago, I stumbled across an article:

It’s Time to End Our Obsession With Positive Thinking

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

This well-meaning piece of advice was the chorus of a popular 80s song by Bobby McFerrin. It also probably represents the general philosophical attitude of western society in terms of how to maximize our quality of life.

There is a wonderful intuitiveness to such advice. Worry and other negative thoughts cause negative emotions, which are not pleasant. Conversely, happiness and thinking positively feel good. Easy choice, right?

“Think positively” and “the power of positive thinking” have become trademark slogans in our society. From self-help magazine articles to motivational speakers to friends and family, it has become folklore wisdom — fill your mind with positivity and you shall reap the mental health benefits.

In fact, negative thoughts and negative emotions tend to be seen as akin to germs and viruses — things to be avoided and fought. For many people, positive thinking is like medicine for one’s mental health (a cheaper, side effect free version of antidepressants).

The problem is that while positive thinking can yield some mental health benefits, an excessive and rigid search for positivity can bring about the opposite effect.

Sticking with the analogy of germs, negative thoughts and emotions (including stress) can be a good thing in moderation — like germs or viruses that stimulate the functioning of the immune system. There are a number of benefits of negativity, and at least some negativity in one’s life from time to time is probably desirable.

First, negative thinking can be adaptive. When problems arise, worry can be a constructive thing if it leads to problem-solving. Anxiety is useful when we are threatened and are in need of safety. (For example, you should feel some anxiety when driving in poor weather.) Sadness is a normal emotion in the context of loss. In fact, it is believed that the symptoms of depression evolved to facilitate the need for rest, protection and self-soothing.[1]

Second, negative life experiences (including negative thoughts and emotions) often play a significant role in maturation and character development. Guilt and shame not only allow us to recognize and correct mistakes we’ve made, but also to become a better person. Repeat experiences with frustration help build tolerance and may ultimately assist in the development of patience.

Third, the negative in life makes possible the enjoyment of positive things. Our perceptions are often shaped by contrasts. If you move your hand from ice-cold water to lukewarm water, lukewarm feels hot. A positive life experience will be more intense and meaningful if it occurs when stress and other problems have been in the background. When life is perfect, it is more difficult to enjoy the good things. Generally speaking, the threshold for receiving pleasure and enjoyment from experiences is more difficult to reach when pleasure and positivity are the norm.

Just as an immune system can become stronger with exposure to germs, people can become more capable of coping and enjoying life when they have had some exposure to negative life events (like a vaccine).

If negativity is a germ, positive thinking is Purell — certainly useful and needed, but some wonder whether its overuse weaken the user? Research shows that when people experience very few negative life events, they have less life satisfaction and more distress than those who have had to cope with moderate amounts of stress.[2]

Some people avoid negativity like they are trying to avoid a dangerous microorganism, and conversely strive to be surrounded by “positive energy” — a common pop culture term that I admittedly do not fully understand, but it sounds like a wonderful shield against the trials of life. (Oh, if only Schopenhauer had had more of this energy, how differently his life would have been!)

Now, allow me to be clear. I am not arguing against positive thoughts. They certainly have their place in mental health and can be very helpful and important.

However, it is probably best to use adaptive thinking instead of rigid, positive thinking. Adaptive thinking is defined by one’s ability to use whichever thoughts are best suited to a given situation. Sometimes we need to worry and feel anxious. Focusing on the positive while failing all of your university courses is not an adaptive strategy.

Conversely, trying to obsessively identify your faults (ie., self-criticism) and exaggerating the meaning of mistakes serves no useful function either.

Ideally, the goal is to utilize the most useful thought, emotion or behaviour — regardless of whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Psychologists have referred to this approach as psychological flexibility, and it is a significant predictor of psychological well-being.[3]

Being flexible with positive and negative psychological states of mind can be difficult to achieve, but is more likely to yield significant benefits in the long run.

Finally, it should also be noted that if it were easy to simply stop one’s worries and just “be happy,” I’d be out of a job.

Roger Covin, Huffington Post

Perhaps that was what happened.
Negativity may not necessarily breeds negativity.
For because of the negatives, we enjoy the positives.
Because of the sadness in life, we learn what it feels like to be happy.
Because we’ve been through the dark, we value light.
Because we understand loneliness, we cherish companionship.

The other day, What started off as spring cleaning turned out to be more. A fair bit more..
As I went through files after files, of study notes made as far as >10 years back, of certificates, examination results, achievements, report cards, etc., I had a walk down memory lane.
Some memories were happy, some not so.., some, surprisingly, still brings me pain till today..

But looking back…
Some success were overrated.
Some failures, overwhelming.
Some things which we thought was of utmost importance, in fact, has lil relevance.
Some emphasis, were way off the mark.
Some things which we thought matter, really didn’t matter.
While some things which we thought didn’t matter, are the ones that truly matters.
More importantly, while we were focusing on how to be happy, how to be successful, how to be the best of the rest, we have overlooked the importance of those not so pleasant experiences have in our lives..
That those failures, unhappy moments have the ability to shape our lives to a certain extent…in a good way…
It shaped mine..
We matured, and developed as a person, during adverse times.
We learn to stand back up when we fall, when the chips are down.
We learn of patience, of tolerance, of perseverance, and even, of compassion.

Some people has commented that I’m not the most positive person…
Perhaps, if only the person could see, there’s another perpective to it..

Change

When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

– Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Some change could be planned. Others, God’s plan.
As much as we would like to cling on to what is, to the status quo, to our comfort zone, change is imminent.
And learning to let go isn’t such a bad thing. We learn to embrace the new.
As much as we are afraid, being away from what we have all the while been comfortable with, could be exciting.

Some change for the better.
Some change for what they think is better.
Some change for what others think would be the best for them.

3 Jan 2012… marks the end of a chapter, and beginning of another.
6 years ago, I walked in, a noob, all excited, ever ready, to learn, to earn.
6 years later, I walked out, one last time, a lil wiser (I hope), a lil more experienced, a lil more seasoned.
As I walked out the door, I felt a lil lighter, a burden off my shoulder, yet all at the same time, I felt a lil heavier. After all, I did spend a lot of time here. Late nights, some weekends..
I’ve learnt much, I’ve gained much. But in exchange, I’ve lost a fair bit.
An opportunity cost that I was aware of from the start, a sacrifice, an exchange I made, willingly.

Someone recently said to me, “You’re finally giving up!”
Fact is, I’m moving on. I’m not giving up. They are not the same thing.

As I return the laptop, I hope that the change is for the better
As I return my tag, I hope that I made the right choice
As I walk out the building, sun shining, scorching hot, I glanced back, both glad, and sad.
Glad that I won’t be losing more sleep, and make my health worse..
Sad for as much as life wasn’t easy, I made some friends along the way, which made the journey a lot more interesting, a lot more bearable.

What follows subsequently, was something that was unexpected.
My expectation: I’d be enjoying the freedom, no more late nights, no more responsibilities, no work.
What happened: I was thrown out-of-whack.
I didn’t know what to do with the free time I have. I’ve lost my hobby and interest over the years, giving more attention to catch up with my sleep at every opportunity.
I was getting a lil restless.
And with so much uncertainties ahead, I was lost.

Thankfully, I have friends, and people who cared, that would listen.
That would help to put things into perspective.
This time off has also given me much time to do some thinking, and reflection..
And as much as I’m still fumbling in the dark, I’ve managed to find peace within me.
As the saying goes, “You do not have to see the whole ladder. Just take the first step.”
I’m taking that first step in faith.
That it is time to move on.
Even when I could not see what’s ahead of me.
Even if the unknown could be pretty daunting, especially when I’m no fortune teller.

I’m aware that not everyone thinks I made the right move, the best move for myself.
But I’m also aware, that if I don’t take that step today, one day, I would ask myself, why didn’t I…
It’s not a regret I would like to live with..
It’s a risk I’m willing to take..

Then I remembered, my dad once said to me “You are what you want to be. Your thoughts and actions, creates your reality, your fate”.
It’s time for my change, after being in my comfort zone, sheltered for so long.

Norm, and acceptance

How many of us think that someone who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t party till late, doesn’t practice open relationships, believes in sex after marriage, believes in marriage, believes in family values as obsolete?

A relatively simple question. Yet, the countless possibilities.
A series of events which took place recently brought me to ponder of it…
How far would we go to be with the norm, to fit in, to be accepted?

A topic proved too heavy for discussion with most of my friends, yet, a topic I have much interest on.

Most would start off, thinking that it’s a matter of choice, a matter of lifestyle.
Yet, many of us do believe that the person above, if still in existence, are the minorities, if not near extinction.

Surely, some take drugs, drink, smoke, by choice. It makes them happy.
A friend of mine went into great depth on life being too short to take it too seriously, that life should be enjoyed to the fullest, that we should do whatever that makes us happy.
Even if it may not be the better choice.
As long as the life we live, is a life full of excitement.

While another friend mentioned that it we don’t really lose a piece of meat if we do not follow the change.
There’s nothing wrong that some prefers to stay home on weekends, sleeping at 9pm, living a healthy lifestyle, staying loyal and committed in a single relationship, without sex.
Without a doubt.
Yet, we do follow the weirdest of things without truly questioning them, do we not?
After all, we conform when the society decided to take up a long piece of cloth, tie it around our neck, calls it a tie, and making that a formal wear.

I’ve never really seen myself as outdated, obsolete.
I read the news daily, I follow with the happenings around the world, I keep updated on the latest gadgets (or at least I try, with too many gadgets coming out too fast), I keep up (or try to) with the latest accounting standards for work related reasons, I adapt with changes, be it people, system, workplace, etc.
But at the end of the day, I couldn’t keep up with everything.
I missed out.
That consumption of recreational drugs is a norm.
That parties and outing till wee hours in the morning is a norm, drinking and smoking is a norm.
That open relationships, cheating partners are norm.
Surely, that’s a matter of choice of lifestyle?

Smoking is a choice.
Unfortunately, the person that got lung cancer as a result of 2nd hand smoke weren’t given the choice.
Drinking is a choice.
Regrettably, the person whose life was sacrificed as a result of drink driving, didn’t have that choice.
The wife who was beaten up as a result of domestic violence from binge drinking, didn’t have that choice.
Outing till wee hours in the morning is a choice.
Sadly, the parent, the partner, waiting for the children, the partner, worrying, had no choice.
(oh wait…they can CHOOSE to not worry…or can they really?)
Open relationship, having more than a partner is a choice.
Unluckily, the person who got cheated on didn’t have that choice.

Yet, more unfortunately, diminishing humanity, dwindling family values are also a norm.
We brush it off as if it didn’t exist, we turn a blind eye.
Even when drug abuse become more common.
Even when we see it in the newspaper every other day, some drama, one way or another, which involves a cheating partner, a mistress, a triangular relationship.
Even when we see sons and daughters sending the parents to old folks home.
Even when we see children throwing the parent out of the house. The very house the parent gave the children as a gift.

Is it a case that we do not see what we do not wish to see?
Is it a case of we deem it acceptable because everyone else is doing it too?
Is it a case of because it is a norm, it makes it right?
Or is it a case that it becomes justifiable that we do what makes us happy, even if it’s at the expense of someone else?

In the end, we would all like to be “the in and happening, the trendy, the ones “inside” the circle”
Is the question then, how much pressure before we would give in? To the norm? To fit in? To be accepted?
How much are we willing to give up, who are we willing to sacrifice, to satisfies our whims and fancies?

Yet, despite all that, I would like to believe that not all is lost.
I would like to believe that we could balance being in the norm, yet not falling out.
After all, we couldn’t live in silo thinking all is well when we could be weirdest person in office.
The question then becomes, where do we draw that delicate line to balance them all…

Education, does it change our thinking, really?

It has been a subject I’ve refrained myself to write in much length, but it really has gotten wayyy too far.
The articles left me fuming. Seriously.
I didn’t know since when did some got so radical, and got so low, and was more appalled when it came from a medical practitioner. Someone highly educated.

Social ills caused by disobedient wives, say Obedient Wives Club

By ISABELLE LAI

PETALING JAYA: Obey, serve and entertain your husband – that’s the key message to wives by a club which will focus on how to reduce social ills committed by husbands.

The Obedient Wives Club, to be launched today, will provide tips to wives on ways to keep their husbands contented.

Its spokesman Siti Maznah Mohd Taufik said many social ills were caused by disobedient wives who did not bring joy to their husbands.

“Domestic abuse happens because wives don’t obey their husband. He must be responsible for his wife’s well-being but she must listen to him,” she told The Star.

Siti Maznah, a 48-year-old mother of five, stressed that husbands would not visit prostitutes if wives gave them a satisfying sex life.

“Wives should welcome them with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes,” she said.

On whether it was the wife’s fault if she was abused, Siti Maznah replied: “Yes, most probably because she didn’t listen to her husband.”

Global Ikhwan, an organisation founded by former members of the banned Al-Arqam Islamic group, is behind the formation of the club. It had also launched the Ikhwan Polygamy Club two years ago.

Siti Maznah said she treated her husband’s first wife like her elder sister.

“Altogether we have 16 children in our household. But my husband is a happy man, you can see it from his actions,” she added.

She said the Ikhwan Polygamy Club had over 1,000 members comprising husbands and wives. The average number of children per polygamous household ranged from four to 26.

Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, in an immediate reaction, said she was saddened by the development, adding that it did not reflect the vast progress made by local Muslim womenfolk.

“Unfortunately even today, there are still many Muslim women who are ignorant of their rights or culturally inhibited to exercise their rights in full,” she said.

Sisters in Islam acting executive director Ratna Osman said Islam advocated marriages based on mutual cooperation and respect.

“Abusive men often use women’s behaviour as a sick justification but in the end, their actions are their responsibility,” she said

The Star

If that wasn’t already bad enough, there was another follow-up article the next day, going into further details..

Keep husbands sexually satisfied to curb infidelity, says wives club

By Clara Chooi June 04, 2011

RAWANG, June 4 — A wife who obeys and fulfils her husband’s sexual needs will deter him from infidelity or going to prostitutes — that is the Obedient Wives Club’s (OWC) solution to curb social ills across the globe.
The club launched its Malaysian chapter at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club today and plans to spread its wings to other countries like Indonesia on June 19 and even European nations like London, Paris, Rome and Frankfurt in the coming weeks.

The OWC boasts some 1,000 members already — 200 in its first chapter in Jordan launched on May 1 and 800 in Malaysia, at least 50 per cent of whom are said to be middle- to upper-class career-minded individuals and intellectuals. The club was formed by Global Ikhwan which was founded by the now banned Al Arqam Islamist group and is open to wives of all races and faiths.

OWC vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamad told reporters that women often forget their duties as a “good wife” also entails pleasuring their husbands in the bedroom.

“If you look at the world today, women are already being treated as sex objects… in magazines, on TV… so why can’t they be sex objects to their husbands? It is legal and permitted by God.

“A good wife is a good sex worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore in bed to your husband?” she asked.

She said the OWC will hold seminars and talks to train women to be good wives, counselling sessions for married couples and will even offer lessons on sex and the art of seduction to those who request for them.

Dr Rohaya admitted the club’s message would invite much controversy and criticism, particularly from women’s rights groups and feminists, but insisted that a wife’s obedience to her husband would ultimately keep men from resorting to prostitution to fulfil his sexual needs.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept OWC’s objectives but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept the club but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

A woman pleads forgiveness from her husband during a skit performed at the launch of the Obedient Wives Club at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club in Rawang today. — Picture by Clara Chooi
“It is common to have different schools of thought but at least they must be open to accept different ways of thinking,” she said.

Dr Rohaya said a man who is kept sated and satisfied in the bedroom would have no reason to stray and this ultimately results in a happy and passionate marriage.

“The family institution is protected and we can curb social ills like prostitution, domestic violence, human trafficking and abandoned babies.

“Now, this obedience is lacking and it is causing many marriages to breakdown. Men are having girlfriends and mistresses, they are going to prostitutes… I believe the problem starts at home where his sexual needs are unfulfilled,” she said.
She said women should return to the basic Islamic teaching that a good wife should fulfill four conditions — pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan month, take care of her body and obey her husband.

When asked if a wife should remain loyal and obedient to her husband if he abuses her or insists on going to prostitutes, Dr Rohaya said: “God has his ways and is fair to all. A husband is also subject to God’s rule, meaning he can go to hell too. But a woman must be a good wife to the end.”

The trained medical practitioner, who is herself a third wife and has eight children with her husband, said she is very happy with her marriage and considers her husband’s other three wives and nine children as her own family.

The club’s launch today, which was held together with a mass wedding ceremony involving 10 couples, saw the attendance of a large number of news organisations, including correspondents from major foreign wire agencies.

The Malaysian Insider

At this very moment, this is the one of the more topics being discussed in my facebook friends.
And I’m not surprised.

It was low. To compare herself, the wife, with a prostitute.
It was lower. That she sees herself as a sex object, and a sex worker.
It was lowest. That she could blame infidelities and cheating, on women. It was as good as blaming the bank for being robbed, the women for being raped, the prisoner-of-war for being tortured.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about respect.
A respect that one has for herself/himself, as well as the respect for the partner.
A respect enough for one to stay loyal to the partner, to not stray.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about trust.
A trust that one earned, through time, that one could trust the partner to remain faithful.

Recently, a friend of mine shared an article, which I thought was a pretty interesting read.
That a relationship that has no romance, and no foundation to sustain beyond sex is a disaster waiting to happen.
That a relationship that that did not have the foundation of trust a relationship needs is a disaster waiting to happen..and that trust needs to be earned.
I guess none of the above matters to the woman (or shall I say, Doctor) who was interviewed in the 2 article above.
None of the above matters to the other women who joins the club.

I’m disappointed, to the fact that some women have no respect for themselves. That they could, willingly, be a sex object.
I’m even more disappointed, that the person that thinks that way, is not someone whom was denied education. On the contrary, it was one that is highly educated.
Most of all, I’m sad that this could be the reason why women are fighting a losing battle, on women’s equality, on women’s rights.

Being sympathetic

It’s rather peculiar how one thing leads to another.
Recently, I have been having my fair share of trouble with “getting connected”.
First, the modem died on me. Followed by the malfunctioning splitter. After that, the old modem decided to give me some issues by dc-ing as and when it feels like.
Today, I went home, and my phone line died.
Talk about testing my patience.
What’s weirder though, was that 30 mins later, my internet came alive, despite the line being dead.
I supposed there’s silver lining after all.

I subsequently told a friend of mine, whom laughed, and said that only last week, I consoled this same friend of mine, saying it’s just a line, when my friend’s line was down.
On one side of the coin, I’d say, karma’s a bitch.
On the other side though, is that when we look deeper, it has been easy for us to be sympathetic, to say we’re sorry for xx’s loss, or zz’s death. It is easy for us to say we understand, to say we feel the pain.
It is, however, really not quite as easy to understand. It is almost impossible to feel the pain.
There are places inside a person that words could never reach.

Possibly, the only way that we could truly understand what it feels, how much pain it brings, is through experience.
Unfortunately, it seems like that’s the only time we truly learn. We truly experience.
Only with the death of someone dear do we truly understand the tears that flow, the pain which no words could explain.

We sympathized when we see others going through a tough time, we sympathized when we see another in pain over the loss of someone dear.
We sympathized with those with disabilities. Physically, or mentally.
We even sympathized with those who faced a cruel twist of fate..acid victims, rape victims.

Possibly, we really have gotten it all wrong from the very beginning.
The last thing a person undergoing a tough patch in his/ her life want is possibly, the sympathy of another.
The last thing a person with disabilities want is for us to look at them, with our sorry eyes, feeling pitiful for them.
Perhaps, that act itself, is a form of discrimination.

Maybe, if only we know that very few people want sympathy.
If only we know that most people only want people who empathizes.
If only we really could understand.

Nonetheless, I’m not implying, in any way, or form that we should not have sympathy. In fact, I have much.
I truly feel sorry for them. Those whom are stuck in their lil world, refusing change, refusing to move forward, and to a certain extent, refusing to be human.
For human is supposed to be the more evolved species that has the ability to think, and make sound judgment..or so I thought..
And that’s, another topic for another time.

Mind over matter

Just over a while back, on one fine night, a friend asked me to join a marathon..the Energizer Night Run
My initial response? “Has my friend gone crazy? Or is this the wrong window?”
For those whom know me well enough, would know that I’m not that active a person. And running is definitely not my forte.
I can’t run. It’s as simple as that. I’ve never made it to anything on that area.
My friend though, continued to convince me to join in the run with him. “It’s gonna be in the F1 Sepang Circuit! And its a night run!”
I don’t know how, or why, but I agreed, and registered for it in the end.
Perhaps it’s because my other friend will also be joining the run.
Perhaps It’s because of the F1 Circuit.
Perhaps I know that if I don’t do it now, I’ll never get myself to do it.

Unsurprisingly, when I told my other friends about me joining a marathon, most weren’t very supportive.
In fact, the most common response I got?
“Are you sure you’d be able to make it? It’s 11km ya know, not 1km! Hahahaha”
My parents, too, had a good laugh over how I would survive the run..
Many were skeptical of me finishing the run, what more within the qualifying time..
And I don’t blame them.
Because right after I signed up, I too asked myself what in the world have I done!
It seems imminent to me that I’ve just signed up to self-torture, and make a fool out of myself..for a while, it does seem like it’s the stupidest thing to do, ever..

Yet while most laughed at the idea of me joining the run, a few supported and advised me to train for it.
And so, I started morning jog with mom every weekend, my lil weak attempt to “train”
I’ve gotta admit that there were times that I thought about giving up and just forget about it.
After all, whom am I kidding?
The timing I managed to set during the training weren’t the most motivating either.
The statistics proved so.
On the second day, I managed to get 4.2km within an hour. And that was my best record.
After that, it just dwindled..
My worst? 2.6km in an hour…
Week after week, I could see no improvements on the distance, and time.
If it was anything, it only de-motivated me more.
11km in 2 hours? Realistically, it was beyond anything I could achieve, to anyone that could do simple mathematics.

I don’t know what made me continue to do it, nonetheless.
Perhaps I just wanted to prove to those who laughed at me, wrong.
Perhaps I just wanted to see how far could I go..how far would I go..
Perhaps, I just wanted to see how much could willpower pushes the body beyond what it believes it could achieve.
Perhaps, I am hoping that from here, I could get some answers to some other questions in my head.

And so, I collected my running tee, got ready, and went for the run, regardless of whether I could finish the race, regardless of whether or not I could cover it within the qualifying time.
Rationally, and understandably, I told my car-pool friends to wait for me…cuz I could take a while to finish it..if I could finish it..

The run eventually started, and I ran…and ran…and ran…
and I could not see the end in sight…
Throughout the run, I’ve asked myself if it was worth it..

Now, I believe that it really could be a case mind over matter.
Now, I believe that sometimes, you could go further than you think..that you could go further from where you think it’s the end.
Now, I believe that it was worth it.

I finished the run. My time (timed by myself personally): 1:42:53:1

p/s: The run was badly organised though. There was no official timer, no one to tell me how much further. There were only 1 water stop in the whole circuit, and the havoc for goodies bag were…just like warzone, literally.

Choice of Words

When we were young, words are just a means of communication.
To some, they still are…As long as we can get the message through, who cares how it was conveyed?
What difference does it make?

When I was younger, I truly believed in that.
For me, personally, it was a pain learning language, for in my eyes, “I really don’t care, as long as the other party understands me”.
And I believed no one really cares if I were to get my grammar wrong…or if my vocabulary sucked big time..

Yet, I do not know since when, or how, but over time, I learn to understand…that sometimes, it really isn’t about the message conveyed.
Sometimes, it’s about our choice of words.
It’s the words we use to communicate and convey a message, that, at the end of the day, truly matters.
Choose the words wisely, and it could change your world.

Illustrated by a video I saw online:

3 ante meridiem

Did you know, that a human’s spirit is at its lowest at 3- 4am in the morning?
That’s the darkest hour of the day.

I have abandoned this blog for a while now. Work commitments have gotten a lil crazy of late. Especially the past 2 weeks where it’s all about finalisation of work, reviews, meetings, and deliverables.
Only managed to sleep for a total of 8 hours in 3 days previous week.
Talking about taking things global, seriously.
I was working from 8.30am – 7.00pm, Malaysian time, and London time.
(At 7pm London time, it’s exactly 3am in Malaysia)
I literally crashed out during the weekends.
And then the crazy hours continued this week, with yet another round of 3ams.

3am, is somehow, a significant time. It is a time when I feel most tired, most frustrating, most depressing even.
Especially when it’s not one-off.
It’s the time when you mind begins to play tricks on you, when fear creeps in.
You really thought you finally had enough, especially when not only are you sleep deprived, with a non-existent social life because the only people you see and talk to are your team members, you would also begin to think if the deadlines and deliverables are achievable.
For after working almost round the clock for a couple of days, things still do not seem to have finalised.
Yet, no matter how stressful, it would eventually come to an end, a closure.
In this context, we reported, in time, smoothly, or at least it almost did. (With just minor hiccups)

But perhaps, more importantly, is that we understand the intangibles are always more powerful that the tangibles.
Fear, frustration, hope, faith, none of which is tangible, yet none of which is unreal.
In most circumstances, it is almost always a case of mind over matter.
The will to go on.
The determination to finish what you started.

After the rush, after things finally slowed down, only did I realise how tired I was.
But I was contented. That although not without imperfections, the big picture remained intact, and in time. Perhaps the satisfaction was that I finally saw things falling into place after fumbling for a while.
I spent both my Christmas eve and Christmas day resting at home, falling asleep every 2 hours. (Yes, I’m a pig whom needs loads of sleep! Bite me!)
To most, that’s prolly the most pathetic way to spend the Christmas, but I really could barely stay awake. And to me, sleep, and the ability to sleep, is a bliss.

3 – 4am is indeed the darkest hour of the day, where one feels most defeated.
Yet, it is also true that the darkest hour is always before dawn.
Once you get through that hour, the sun rises, hope and faith begin to shine, and things surely do not seem so bad.

p/s: A special thank you for a dear friend that helped out. (You know who you are) (^o^)