Into Perspective

A few days ago, a decision was made..
That some things, no matter how unwilling, needs to be address..
That some things, no matter how difficult, needs to be accepted…
That sometimes, no matter how reluctant, we need to move on…
And sometimes, no matter how dark it is, we take that first step, in darkness, in faith..

For the moment that first step is taken, things get easier.
In the absence of light, at the times where darkness conquer, one gets to choose…
To either let the darkness seep in, and get the better of us,
Or to let the light within lead us forward, in search of the light at the end of tunnel..

A friend once said to me “You think too much…relax..stop thinking so much and you’ll probably be happier”
So I did…
Only to realise, there’s no one shoe that fits all..

We all have a demon inside…
And we all have our own ways to deal with that demon..
Some has the ability to push it aside, storing it in the ice box so that it never sees light again,
Others battle with that demon, reason with it, argues with it..

For the latter, ignoring the demon only gives it more power over the person,
More freedom to roam, more room to influence, more ways to bring the person down…

A few days ago, I decided that it’s time that I stop running away, stop avoiding, stop hiding..
After what seems like eternity, I sat down, in front of my laptop..
I reminiscence..
I reflect…
I think…
Letting the grief, the frustration, the painful memories run..
Letting the tears flow…
Letting the weakness show…

Yet, during those times, I was finally able to put somethings into perspective..
There’s a Buddhist saying..
That life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed and imperfect..
There are only 3 certainties in life the moment we were born: Aging, Illness and Death (And for most, tax)
Everything else, is fleeting.
Yet, we tried to hold onto things that are constantly changing, that’s short-lived.
Tried holding on to an illusion, a phantom…something that’s never ours to hold onto.

If, and only if we are able to see beyond me, myself and I,
When we learn to let go what is temporary, keeping the best part of the memories, memories,
life would be a lot easier.
For you once said to me “We come to this world alone..and we leave this world alone…”

I’m still learning, taking one step at a time, but I’ll get there…
For I’ve stop running, I’ve stop hiding..
I’m fighting that demon, head on.

That night, I penned down 2 posts.
That night, I let go..
That night, I found myself, only human…
That night, I took the first step, the leap of faith..
That night, I felt peace..

The heart has a mind..

…that the brain does not know of..

It has been more than 2 months since you left, and things have never been quite the same..
A rough patch of life, where things seem to fall apart more than it seems to fall together.
The day after my flight back to Melbourne, when I was feeling unwell, hopeless, and helpless,
I saw a double rainbow…a good sign, a sign of hope…
For rainbow could only appear after the rain..
I wondered if you were watching over me…giving me the strength…

For most of my life, I’ve been a considerably strong person. One that is capable of taking good care of myself, put my thoughts forward, stand for myself, by myself.
And due to that very fact, I’ve held my head high, taking on challenges head on..
Yet, sometimes, we get reminded, that we are only human.
And for that, there will be times where we would be down at our knees, seeking for a way out of the misery.

I couldn’t help but realise, that I’ve been a shadow of myself.
In those days, no matter how the odds were stacked against one, I’d challenged it – Do your worst, and you’ll see the best of me.
No matter the stress, the pressure, faced head on, tackled head on.
Yet, I’ve been running…only to find I couldn’t hide..
I’ve refused to shed any more tears for your passing, refused to face certain issues which have been bothering me…
Refused to think, refused to address…
Avoiding when possible, running away if need be..

Yet, life has a funny way to deal with people…
The more one turns away, the more it haunts one down…
The more one runs away, the more powerful it becomes…
It gains its grip over the person so subtly, that the person was not aware that the burden has grown increasingly heavy
As much as one can run, one can’t hide.
As much as the brain can be rational, the heart is breaking down..
While thinking that time heals, and time will show, unexpectedly, one gets hit..hard..
The world around the person goes into a whirlwind, downhill, with no end in sight..

For the past months, I’ve been running…
Refusing to address the issue, refusing to face the facts, refusing to accept reality..
Hoping that it will go away, that normalcy will return..
After all, what else can I ask for?
A professional, steady career, decent pay, a roof on top of my head, a car to drive, some money in the bank, a relationship, out of the country to greener pasture…
Yet, sometimes, none of the above, not even all the above, guarantees happiness, and peace of mind.

All the issues being brushed aside coming back to haunt the mind,
the burden gets heavier as days go by.
So much so, that all we want, is to give in, and give up…

There comes a time where we need to stop running, stop hiding…
There comes a time where we need to decide, to take on the challenge, to take a conscious stand, to stand, and to fight.
For irregardless of the result, it is better off that we fought a battle with all we have and lose, than never to have fought at all and admit defeat.

Today, on my way home, I saw another double rainbow…
During my darker times…you gave me hope…
I knew then…that I would now have the courage to face all that I should have faced months ago.
That my time, to fight the war, is now.
That although I may lose this battle, I will win the war…
Because you’re watching over me from above…
Because you taught me, even at the very last moment of your life, “When there’s a will, there’s a way”…
You’ve fought your battles gracefully, it is about time I fight mine…

I remember

My lil abandoned place…
A place where thoughts, perspectives, happenings get penned down.
A place where I reminiscence, a place to express myself, a place for me to remember…
Because we are only human.
Over time, we forget…Over time, we change…
And reading back my own posts, I could see the change in myself..driven by maturity, driven by circumstances, for better, or for worse.

Yet, some things, stay in our memory for longer..
Some memories, don’t fade over time…
Some memories, become lessons in life, and shapes the person we are.

I remember..
I remember those were the days…
I remember how you would go up the school bus with me to kindergarden.
And how you used to tell me, years later, how you’d tell the school bus driver to “scold” you and not let you into the bus, so that I could learn to be more independent, and actually go to school by myself..
The early mornings when you’d wake up the ever-so-grumpy me to catch the school bus even before 6am in the morning, and you’d wait with me for the bus..
The late nights when you would stood outside the house, worrying, wondering if all is well, when it took me nearly an hour longer to get home because the new bus driver drove like a tortoise.

I remember…
I remember the days where you’d cook us clams, and we’d have a “picnic” at the car porch, with an umbrella, and have our lunch with the scorching heat…
The nights where we’d play camping with the blanket and the double decker bed,
I remember the stories you told us when we couldn’t sleep at night…
Both the funny – The mice and the rice warehouse, and the heart wrenching – the days of World War 2 and the Japanese Occupation.
I’ll always remember the days in Cheras, the time when you bought me a pair of chicks just because I commented they looked oh-so-cute on tv…my first ever pet.
When one of the chicks died, the devastation I felt…and how I refused to eat chicken for the entire week…

I remember…
Your happy face when I was back during Chinese New Year, the reunion dinner, the second day big lunch, the yee sang..
I remember driving over to where you are every morning, spending the time with family…
And the fact that you still went out for dinner the night before I leave for Melbourne, although you were considerably weak, and have not left the house for a bit due to that..
The effort you made, your laughter at my lame jokes that night…

I remember…
The pain in your face and expression when I visited the night I touched down…
The very face that turned so peaceful the next morning, as you slip into unconsciousness..
I remember the stories we’d share with you, laughing, crying, by your bed side…
How your feet and hands slowly turned cold as the day passes…finally leaving us for good that very night…
I’d never forget how you persevered, to keep to your word, that you’d wait for us to return…
How you held on, despite the fact that the body has failed you, with just your willpower.
That until the very last moment of your life, you taught, by example, the final lesson in life:
When there’s a will, there’s a way…

You’ve worked hard, been through so much, enjoyed too little…
I hope you’ve now gone to a better place,
Where you’d get to reap what you sow…
I still do miss you..lots…
But I remind myself, everytime, that your journey, while full of challenges, you’ve emerged, against the odds, victorious.
That it should be a celebration of the life you had, the lives you’ve shaped and changed…rather than mourn for your passing…
I will remember…but until then, allow me to be weak, and shed my tears for what I would never be able to hold, to see, to talk to…just a lil more…
One day, when I’m ready, I’ll let go…