Managing expectations

Expectation, has always been a word so familiar with most of us, yet, it is one word that I have difficulty defining.
Dictionary.com defined is as an act or state of looking forward or anticipating, an expectant mental attitude.
To me, perhaps, implied a drive. A drive to achieve certain things.
Yet, sometimes, the more one expects, the more one gets disappointed.

Career wise, 5 odd years ago, I expected myself to stay in the career for 3 years.
That was all I asked from myself.
Or was it? Looking back at some of my older posts, it seems like over time, I somehow expected myself to stay longer.
To achieve something.
And perhaps naively, but I honestly expected that I’d be happy when I reach there.
Yes, expected.
Which explained the decision made.

Or did I, really?
Did I really believed that it would make myself happier? Or did I believed that it would make the people I cared for proud of my achievements, and happy to see that I’ve reached somewhere?
Was it my own expectation I was managing? or someone else’s?

A friend recently shared a pretty interesting read:

REGRETS OF THE DYING
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Inspiration and Chai

It was something I couldn’t help but noticed..how many of the 5 have I broken.
Most would say that at my age, I have a lot more life in me. It is not too late to catch up.
Perhaps, the better question is, living in the world we lived today, in this rat race we are in, how many could let it all go?

Then, another friend shared another article;
That people stay put, wherever they are, because they are fearful of what others might think if their move turns out to be wrong.
Despite knowing, despite being fully aware that the best is a past.
People stay in bad relationships for too long out of fear for failure, of a view of successful relationship was based on society’s expectations, not theirs.
Despite knowing, deep down, that the relationship has already failed.
People get out of good relationships, because in the eyes of society, in the eyes of others, the partner isn’t the person for him/her.

Sometimes, we held back out of fear for the unknown.
Sometimes, we would rather choose to be certain of being unhappy, than to take a risk for happiness.
Sometimes, we spend a lifetime managing expectations. But only the expectations of others. Of how our lives should be. Of what a life we should live.
So much so, we overlooked our own expectations. Our choice. To be happy.

Education, does it change our thinking, really?

It has been a subject I’ve refrained myself to write in much length, but it really has gotten wayyy too far.
The articles left me fuming. Seriously.
I didn’t know since when did some got so radical, and got so low, and was more appalled when it came from a medical practitioner. Someone highly educated.

Social ills caused by disobedient wives, say Obedient Wives Club

By ISABELLE LAI

PETALING JAYA: Obey, serve and entertain your husband – that’s the key message to wives by a club which will focus on how to reduce social ills committed by husbands.

The Obedient Wives Club, to be launched today, will provide tips to wives on ways to keep their husbands contented.

Its spokesman Siti Maznah Mohd Taufik said many social ills were caused by disobedient wives who did not bring joy to their husbands.

“Domestic abuse happens because wives don’t obey their husband. He must be responsible for his wife’s well-being but she must listen to him,” she told The Star.

Siti Maznah, a 48-year-old mother of five, stressed that husbands would not visit prostitutes if wives gave them a satisfying sex life.

“Wives should welcome them with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes,” she said.

On whether it was the wife’s fault if she was abused, Siti Maznah replied: “Yes, most probably because she didn’t listen to her husband.”

Global Ikhwan, an organisation founded by former members of the banned Al-Arqam Islamic group, is behind the formation of the club. It had also launched the Ikhwan Polygamy Club two years ago.

Siti Maznah said she treated her husband’s first wife like her elder sister.

“Altogether we have 16 children in our household. But my husband is a happy man, you can see it from his actions,” she added.

She said the Ikhwan Polygamy Club had over 1,000 members comprising husbands and wives. The average number of children per polygamous household ranged from four to 26.

Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, in an immediate reaction, said she was saddened by the development, adding that it did not reflect the vast progress made by local Muslim womenfolk.

“Unfortunately even today, there are still many Muslim women who are ignorant of their rights or culturally inhibited to exercise their rights in full,” she said.

Sisters in Islam acting executive director Ratna Osman said Islam advocated marriages based on mutual cooperation and respect.

“Abusive men often use women’s behaviour as a sick justification but in the end, their actions are their responsibility,” she said

The Star

If that wasn’t already bad enough, there was another follow-up article the next day, going into further details..

Keep husbands sexually satisfied to curb infidelity, says wives club

By Clara Chooi June 04, 2011

RAWANG, June 4 — A wife who obeys and fulfils her husband’s sexual needs will deter him from infidelity or going to prostitutes — that is the Obedient Wives Club’s (OWC) solution to curb social ills across the globe.
The club launched its Malaysian chapter at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club today and plans to spread its wings to other countries like Indonesia on June 19 and even European nations like London, Paris, Rome and Frankfurt in the coming weeks.

The OWC boasts some 1,000 members already — 200 in its first chapter in Jordan launched on May 1 and 800 in Malaysia, at least 50 per cent of whom are said to be middle- to upper-class career-minded individuals and intellectuals. The club was formed by Global Ikhwan which was founded by the now banned Al Arqam Islamist group and is open to wives of all races and faiths.

OWC vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamad told reporters that women often forget their duties as a “good wife” also entails pleasuring their husbands in the bedroom.

“If you look at the world today, women are already being treated as sex objects… in magazines, on TV… so why can’t they be sex objects to their husbands? It is legal and permitted by God.

“A good wife is a good sex worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore in bed to your husband?” she asked.

She said the OWC will hold seminars and talks to train women to be good wives, counselling sessions for married couples and will even offer lessons on sex and the art of seduction to those who request for them.

Dr Rohaya admitted the club’s message would invite much controversy and criticism, particularly from women’s rights groups and feminists, but insisted that a wife’s obedience to her husband would ultimately keep men from resorting to prostitution to fulfil his sexual needs.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept OWC’s objectives but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept the club but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

A woman pleads forgiveness from her husband during a skit performed at the launch of the Obedient Wives Club at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club in Rawang today. — Picture by Clara Chooi
“It is common to have different schools of thought but at least they must be open to accept different ways of thinking,” she said.

Dr Rohaya said a man who is kept sated and satisfied in the bedroom would have no reason to stray and this ultimately results in a happy and passionate marriage.

“The family institution is protected and we can curb social ills like prostitution, domestic violence, human trafficking and abandoned babies.

“Now, this obedience is lacking and it is causing many marriages to breakdown. Men are having girlfriends and mistresses, they are going to prostitutes… I believe the problem starts at home where his sexual needs are unfulfilled,” she said.
She said women should return to the basic Islamic teaching that a good wife should fulfill four conditions — pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan month, take care of her body and obey her husband.

When asked if a wife should remain loyal and obedient to her husband if he abuses her or insists on going to prostitutes, Dr Rohaya said: “God has his ways and is fair to all. A husband is also subject to God’s rule, meaning he can go to hell too. But a woman must be a good wife to the end.”

The trained medical practitioner, who is herself a third wife and has eight children with her husband, said she is very happy with her marriage and considers her husband’s other three wives and nine children as her own family.

The club’s launch today, which was held together with a mass wedding ceremony involving 10 couples, saw the attendance of a large number of news organisations, including correspondents from major foreign wire agencies.

The Malaysian Insider

At this very moment, this is the one of the more topics being discussed in my facebook friends.
And I’m not surprised.

It was low. To compare herself, the wife, with a prostitute.
It was lower. That she sees herself as a sex object, and a sex worker.
It was lowest. That she could blame infidelities and cheating, on women. It was as good as blaming the bank for being robbed, the women for being raped, the prisoner-of-war for being tortured.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about respect.
A respect that one has for herself/himself, as well as the respect for the partner.
A respect enough for one to stay loyal to the partner, to not stray.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about trust.
A trust that one earned, through time, that one could trust the partner to remain faithful.

Recently, a friend of mine shared an article, which I thought was a pretty interesting read.
That a relationship that has no romance, and no foundation to sustain beyond sex is a disaster waiting to happen.
That a relationship that that did not have the foundation of trust a relationship needs is a disaster waiting to happen..and that trust needs to be earned.
I guess none of the above matters to the woman (or shall I say, Doctor) who was interviewed in the 2 article above.
None of the above matters to the other women who joins the club.

I’m disappointed, to the fact that some women have no respect for themselves. That they could, willingly, be a sex object.
I’m even more disappointed, that the person that thinks that way, is not someone whom was denied education. On the contrary, it was one that is highly educated.
Most of all, I’m sad that this could be the reason why women are fighting a losing battle, on women’s equality, on women’s rights.

Being sympathetic

It’s rather peculiar how one thing leads to another.
Recently, I have been having my fair share of trouble with “getting connected”.
First, the modem died on me. Followed by the malfunctioning splitter. After that, the old modem decided to give me some issues by dc-ing as and when it feels like.
Today, I went home, and my phone line died.
Talk about testing my patience.
What’s weirder though, was that 30 mins later, my internet came alive, despite the line being dead.
I supposed there’s silver lining after all.

I subsequently told a friend of mine, whom laughed, and said that only last week, I consoled this same friend of mine, saying it’s just a line, when my friend’s line was down.
On one side of the coin, I’d say, karma’s a bitch.
On the other side though, is that when we look deeper, it has been easy for us to be sympathetic, to say we’re sorry for xx’s loss, or zz’s death. It is easy for us to say we understand, to say we feel the pain.
It is, however, really not quite as easy to understand. It is almost impossible to feel the pain.
There are places inside a person that words could never reach.

Possibly, the only way that we could truly understand what it feels, how much pain it brings, is through experience.
Unfortunately, it seems like that’s the only time we truly learn. We truly experience.
Only with the death of someone dear do we truly understand the tears that flow, the pain which no words could explain.

We sympathized when we see others going through a tough time, we sympathized when we see another in pain over the loss of someone dear.
We sympathized with those with disabilities. Physically, or mentally.
We even sympathized with those who faced a cruel twist of fate..acid victims, rape victims.

Possibly, we really have gotten it all wrong from the very beginning.
The last thing a person undergoing a tough patch in his/ her life want is possibly, the sympathy of another.
The last thing a person with disabilities want is for us to look at them, with our sorry eyes, feeling pitiful for them.
Perhaps, that act itself, is a form of discrimination.

Maybe, if only we know that very few people want sympathy.
If only we know that most people only want people who empathizes.
If only we really could understand.

Nonetheless, I’m not implying, in any way, or form that we should not have sympathy. In fact, I have much.
I truly feel sorry for them. Those whom are stuck in their lil world, refusing change, refusing to move forward, and to a certain extent, refusing to be human.
For human is supposed to be the more evolved species that has the ability to think, and make sound judgment..or so I thought..
And that’s, another topic for another time.