The heart has a mind..

…that the brain does not know of..

It has been more than 2 months since you left, and things have never been quite the same..
A rough patch of life, where things seem to fall apart more than it seems to fall together.
The day after my flight back to Melbourne, when I was feeling unwell, hopeless, and helpless,
I saw a double rainbow…a good sign, a sign of hope…
For rainbow could only appear after the rain..
I wondered if you were watching over me…giving me the strength…

For most of my life, I’ve been a considerably strong person. One that is capable of taking good care of myself, put my thoughts forward, stand for myself, by myself.
And due to that very fact, I’ve held my head high, taking on challenges head on..
Yet, sometimes, we get reminded, that we are only human.
And for that, there will be times where we would be down at our knees, seeking for a way out of the misery.

I couldn’t help but realise, that I’ve been a shadow of myself.
In those days, no matter how the odds were stacked against one, I’d challenged it – Do your worst, and you’ll see the best of me.
No matter the stress, the pressure, faced head on, tackled head on.
Yet, I’ve been running…only to find I couldn’t hide..
I’ve refused to shed any more tears for your passing, refused to face certain issues which have been bothering me…
Refused to think, refused to address…
Avoiding when possible, running away if need be..

Yet, life has a funny way to deal with people…
The more one turns away, the more it haunts one down…
The more one runs away, the more powerful it becomes…
It gains its grip over the person so subtly, that the person was not aware that the burden has grown increasingly heavy
As much as one can run, one can’t hide.
As much as the brain can be rational, the heart is breaking down..
While thinking that time heals, and time will show, unexpectedly, one gets hit..hard..
The world around the person goes into a whirlwind, downhill, with no end in sight..

For the past months, I’ve been running…
Refusing to address the issue, refusing to face the facts, refusing to accept reality..
Hoping that it will go away, that normalcy will return..
After all, what else can I ask for?
A professional, steady career, decent pay, a roof on top of my head, a car to drive, some money in the bank, a relationship, out of the country to greener pasture…
Yet, sometimes, none of the above, not even all the above, guarantees happiness, and peace of mind.

All the issues being brushed aside coming back to haunt the mind,
the burden gets heavier as days go by.
So much so, that all we want, is to give in, and give up…

There comes a time where we need to stop running, stop hiding…
There comes a time where we need to decide, to take on the challenge, to take a conscious stand, to stand, and to fight.
For irregardless of the result, it is better off that we fought a battle with all we have and lose, than never to have fought at all and admit defeat.

Today, on my way home, I saw another double rainbow…
During my darker times…you gave me hope…
I knew then…that I would now have the courage to face all that I should have faced months ago.
That my time, to fight the war, is now.
That although I may lose this battle, I will win the war…
Because you’re watching over me from above…
Because you taught me, even at the very last moment of your life, “When there’s a will, there’s a way”…
You’ve fought your battles gracefully, it is about time I fight mine…