Relationships, Marriage and Women

There will be times where discussions about marriage would pop-up into conversations, and for me, yes, that even more dreadful, “when will you find your other half” question, be it with friends, or worse, nosy caring relatives.

Recently, I’ve been receiving quite a bit of good news from my friends. One, the boyfriend proposed, and another already planning for the wedding! Seriously, I felt so happy for them, having able to find their other half. I was so happy for one of them that I suddenly felt so awake although it was past midnight, and I had a terribly long day.
Afterall, some people spent a lifetime looking for the other half, yet how many truly found them?
Sometimes, I believe that most people do not marry the person they loved the most, but rather, marry the person that was at the right place, at the right time.
Rationally speaking, not many would propose to the love of his life when he’s 21, and even if he does, how many would say yes to the proposal at 20/21 years of age, even if he’s the love of her life too?
At the same time, how many would say no to the proposal of her boyfriend at 27 years of age? How many guys would propose when they are about time?
Sometimes, out of love, others, simply because it’s time, succumbing to the pressure that it’s time for him and her to settle down and start a family. Nonetheless, I would like to believe that marriage is out of love, above everything else.

Anyway, I also have another friend whom, when the partner proposed, said yes, but conditional upon that they must stay separately from his parents once they get married.
This obviously puts him in a very difficult situation. And so, he is left with 2 options, fulfill her wish and prolly upset the parents, or end the relationship.
I’ve wondered if it needs to come down to that. But for her, it certainly does. She could compromise on anything but that. And that got me thinking.

I subsequently had a couple of discussions on this matter, and the conclusion? Inconclusive.
Here are some arguments they (men) put forward:
– Filial piety

Him: Being the son of the family, should take care of the family
Me: Yeah, but that does not mean you need to stay together
Him: But it’s the best way to do it?
Me: I see? Will you stay with her parents then?
Him: Heck No!
Me: Why? So you need to be filial, and your wife doesn’t?
Him: No, I don’t mean that…
Me: But you surely implied that?
Him: But…it’s against the tradition…

hence came the next argument:

– Tradition

Him: In a Chinese community, the chinese culture, it’s a norm to stay with his family.
Me: And just because it’s a norm, it makes it right. And just because it’s not a norm to stay with the girl’s family, it makes it wrong?
Him: No..tradition may not always be right, but people still practise them.
Me: And you do it because everyone does it? Regardless if it’s right or wrong?
Him: ….

– Pressure

Him: Family pressure, social pressure…it’s a “right” thing to stay with his parents, and not hers. Besides, his ego wouldn’t let him down, and to stay with her parents..
Me: Ego? I see…so, it’s shameful to stay with the girl’s parents, and something to be proud of to have her stay with yours?
Him: Something like that, yeah…it’s a man thing.
Me: …. (=.=)”

I supported my friend’s move by the way. Not because I would like her to go against the tradition, against him being a filial son, and not because I wanted her to crush his ego. But because she’s my friend. Because I know how complicated things can get if they are to stay together, with her western thinking, and his mom, very conservative.

Conclusion: Nonetheless, I’ve wondered, is it really simply because we are women, simply because we are Chinese, we need not practise filial piety once we get married? Does that mean we are bounded by tradition, regardless if it’s right? That we need to compromise to satisfy his needs and ego? That his needs and wants should come above everything else? I wonder…