Happily ever after…or is it?

Never in my life had I wanted to get married.
But I did.
And when I did, never did I think I would get a divorce.
But I am doing that too.

Fate has a way to turn a life around in ways that we never thought it would.
And sometimes when you thought you are walking alone, along the path less taken, you noticed that you are never quite alone.

Since the time my own marriage fell apart, I’ve come to know quite a few of my friends are also going through the very same.
2 of them, are friends very close to heart.
Yet, as we grow up, we grow apart.
So much so that I failed to notice they too were having issues of their own.
Or perhaps, I was just too absorbed in my own issues that I failed to see theirs.

When one of them told me that it was over for her and her partner too, my heart broke for her..and I somehow traveled back in time.
I recalled her walking down the aisle, looking like the happiest person ever.
I recalled thinking “she has truly found her happily ever after..”
I recalled being happy for her happiness.
Naturally, she was the last person that would come to mind to end up in the same state I ended up.

Which made me think…
How arrogant of us, of me, to believe, almost blindly, without much foresight, in happily ever after.
To believe that things would just fall into place naturally like fairy tales.
When I had always known, life is far from a fairy tale.
That happily ever after… Is more like a phantom.
An illusion sold to kids by storybooks.

“Life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed, and imperfect.”

When I caught up with her, it has been years since we last spoke, no less than a decade since we last met.
Yet, we spoke to each other as if we only caught up yesterday.
Conversations came naturally, and we spoke candidly, comfortably..on our successes, and failures, our ups and downs, our highs and lows.
As we both confided in each other, shared our happiness and grief, laughed at our misfortunes, all issues, problems that once seemed insurmountable became a lot smaller..
“A good laugh heals a lot of hurt”
We laughed until it hurts, and then some more.

Something she said left me thinking. “Things aren’t inherently good or bad. It’s just our perspectives that made it good..or bad”
As we stand at what seems like the end of the road, It is important to recognize that this is also the beginning of something new.
To start afresh, to choose again, to not choose again, to take charge, to decide the path forward.

Perhaps, happily ever after is a choice too.
That we can consciously make, to be
Regardless of our circumstances.
Regardless of our status.

Drafts

It came to my attention, that I have so many unfinished posts – Drafts.

Either I lost my line of thought and got stuck, or the mind went off contemplating something else.
Most times, my thoughts simply trailed off…
As a result, there are drafts with paragraphs written and no conclusion, drafts that ended mid-sentence, some with content and no title, and others a title but no content.

Some days, too tired to pen down the thoughts
Other days, thoughts were too messy to be penned down
Some day, I wonder if it’s worth writing
Other days, I read back my old posts, and I wonder how much have changed since.

One thing remained true. This is a place I come to put my thoughts together, sometimes, a lil like putting pieces of puzzles together.
A place that I write not to be read. I write so that I do not forget.

Memories fail. Feelings fade. Perspective change. Priorities change.

Perhaps, one day, I will be able to finish the drafts to make posts
Perhaps, one day, all those pieces of missing puzzle will come together, and a picture could be pieced together.
Perhaps…

2020

I’ve given a bit of thought into the title, but this feels apt.

In 1991, the Malaysian 4th (and subsequently 7th) Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir introduced the ideal of Wawasan 2020, or Vision 2020 as part of his 6th Malaysia Plan. The vision calls for the nation to achieve a self-sufficient industrialised nation by the year 2020, encompasses all aspects of life, from economic prosperity, world class education, political stability and social well-being.
When I was younger in school, every so often, we were asked to draw our version of Wawasan 2020 in our Art Class. Our vision of 2020.
I could still remember that most would draw some high rise buildings, flying cars, and a nation where all the race would live happily in harmony..
Fast forward to the year 2020, it became a year where a year to forget for most, a year of nightmare for some.
One thing for certain, it will be a year that will go down to history as an unforgettable year.

A couple of years ago, I read the book ‘Sapiens’ by Dr. Yuval Noah Harari, a book which spans the whole human history. It piqued my interest, and I started on the sequel ‘Homo Deus’, published in 2017, a book that writes about tomorrow, or how the writer believes humankind will cease to exist one day.
I have yet to finish the 2nd book (>.<)”…so I can’t tell you how it ends, but thinking back about my unfinished book, there was a paragraph which goes, and I quote

“The great epidemics of the past – famine, plague and war – no longer control our lives. We are the only species in history that has single-handedly changed the entire planet, and we can no longer blame a higher being for our fate.” – Yuvah Noah Harari, Homo Deus

What happened in 2020, I’m not sure many foresaw.
That the world will go into lockdown, some harder than the rest. Schools ceased, cinemas & shopping malls closed, restaurants & cafes limited to take away and deliveries. Offices closed, everyone confined to their homes. Borders close, travelling no longer possible.
That we could be brought to our knees, by a virus, a pandemic.
In the 21st century, when humans are becoming ever more invincible, ever more powerful, nature has its way to interrupt, to stop us at our tracks.
A pandemic that kills economy faster than it did humans…
A pandemic that made us choose between economy and human lives..
With some countries, the economy won. They would rather overwhelm the health system and sacrifice a few (or not so few) people than have a recession that could take years to recover from…

A year which throws everything out of whack,
A year which throws plans out the window,
A year which changes a lot of things.
A year when I truly see “to each, their own”…that we only stand in solidarity when we have the capacity to, that the solidarity, is conditional.
A year that the Wawasan 2020 went up the flames, and all that’s left is dust…a nation more divided than ever, a country riddled by corruption more than ever, with a change of government, economic recession, it turns out to be all but the Vision 2020 we…or at least I had in mind 30 years ago.

But that’s life..
Sometimes, life is smooth-sailing and everything seems to go our way.
Other times, life just takes an unexpected turn that throws everyone off balance, ruin all plans that we made, changes everything.

Personally, it almost feels like just another year…
Spent mostly at home, where physical distancing and masks are becoming a norm rather than exception..
A friend asked me recently what was my highlight of the year…other than the pandemic…
I struggled to recall…everything felt so distant…but as I sit down and reminiscence, I would think I have achieved a few milestones in life…but again, by whose definition?

I managed to spend CNY at home, visited a friend’s new home, had our yearly gathering, visited and paid respect to Popo..
I had a rather interesting wedding which was ever changing, even until the very last day.. a rather intimate event which unfortunately, was not attended by some close friends and family due to the pandemic. In a way, luck was on our side, as Victoria went into lockdown 2 days later.
I spent the rest of the year working from home (and still is!), came to notice about how communications over messaging platforms could be taken out of context, and realised the importance of facial expression and body language had on communication.
I never thought there would come a day I would get excited about going back to office, meeting colleagues, or actually having a face to face chat with someone outside my own home considering how anti-social I am, but that day came.
I was given some rare opportunity at work to lead a project despite being the more junior associate, with 2 more senior colleagues supporting, and manage to led it to some success, gaining some recognition along the way.
I had a even rarer opportunity, and got promoted at work. An opportunity that I never thought possible simply due to the fact I was geographically so far away. An opportunity that I have given up on long ago when I decided to move down under.
I made some friends online (Yes! An accomplishment considering it was not from work, and considering my anti-social nature!) *Pats own head*. From a common interest, I made friends from various parts of the world, 3 of whom I actually got considerably close with.
I made a trip interstate and met a friend that I’ve never seen before, and spent a good few days with her, amazed at how well we kicked it off, and came to see how effortless some things can get.
For someone who has her share of awkwardness with people, I’ve came to conclude that there are some people that we could never close with no matter the effort, and then there are some that we get comfortable with without much effort.

Overall, 2020 felt like a rather boring and mundane year, with too much time locked at home, too lil time being out and about. Yet, as I look back, it has been a year that had its ups and downs.
A year that I still have many things to be thankful for…
A year that much has change, yet felt like nothing has change…
A year that has been relatively kind to me, despite the pandemic, despite the lockdown..
On the other hand, Mochi had the best year he had to date, as everyone is home…everyday!! Always someone to keep him company, so much walkies, so much attention!

Ironically, by December 2020, most were going on about how 2020 had been a horrible year, and they couldn’t wait for it to end, and for 2021 to be here…
Ironic, because here we are at the beginning of 2021, and unsurprisingly, it hasn’t magically changed for the better. Covid19 cases are breaking records day after day, and more people are dying.
Perhaps, in the end, as much as we have perfected the art of cheating death, nature has it’s own way for natural selection…that in the end, it is about survival of the fittest.
Perhaps, it is just another lesson in life, that we couldn’t plan for everything, and we couldn’t predict the future.
Perhaps, one day I’ll look back to this as if it’s just another day, as the pandemic becomes a norm…time will tell.

Rainy Sleepless Night

It’s 3 in the morning, a time when I should be sleeping,
Windows open, raindrops falling,
Lying awake, tossing and turning,
Wondering, thinking, pondering.

In a tug of war between the heart and the brain,
Neither would give up, nor give in,
Historically, the brain always win,
Yet, this time, the heart is pleading to give this to him.

The anger is real , the frustration palpable,
It was less of the action, more of the reaction,
Could help but wonder, is this just one big bubble,
Yet, I have no answers, just more questions.

There are a lot going on my mind,
So much that it’s keeping me up tonight,
Thoughts that isn’t exactly kind,
Is this really a case of fight or flight?

Before I knew it, the birds chirping,
It’s finally morning, the sun rising,
Didn’t get much sleep, but it doesn’t matter,
At least the darkest hours are over

There were days that things were so exhausting, I wished for nights to come early,
Today the inverse is true, as I wish for the light to put things into perspective,
For me to be able to see things a lil clearly,
Perhaps everything wouldn’t seem so defective.

The battle finally ended, both equally tired,
Still no answer in sight,
Perhaps only time will tell,
What is wrong, and what is right.

I do not understand…

There’s much that I do not understand..

When I was young, I was once told that “You will understand when you get older”, yet as I do get older, there are only more that I do not understand….wondering if I ever will.

I do not understand why we would cull sharks when one person gets attacked by sharks, yet never cull humans who kill other animals, and each other.
I do not understand how horses who served their lifetime racing and winning money for their owners end up with the most cruel fate at the abattoir.
I do not understand why other animals are paying the price for human actions
I would never understand why would some get pets only to abandon them later..
I do not understand how humans can be so full of ourselves, to believe that we are saving animals from extinction, when it was us that drove them to near extinction at the very first place.

I do not understand why people who fights for freedom of speech and democracy would beat up others simply because they do not share the same belief..for by doing that, were they not actually against freedom of speech?
More than that, I do not understand how others would support the violence.

I do not understand why some would fight so hard for marriage equality, why a relationship between 2 person needs to be validated by the world, or why others are so against the idea of having marriage equality..

I do not understand why when love ends, it turns into hate. When it seems only like yesterday that they want the best for each other, it suddenly became who can make the other more miserable.

I’ve given them so much thought, when it popped up in my mind.
An article I read a while ago,that in the end, it’s just a matter of perspectives.
Some more extreme, but nonetheless perspective.
From a terrorist’s perspective, he/she is not the violent one. Rather, he/she sees himself/ herself as the Jedi fighting the dark force, against the odds. That he/she is standing up when others cower in fear.

That most of us believed that we are creating a better world, for our own kind.

Perhaps, we just needed to have meaning of life.
Something to fight for, something to work towards..
Perhaps, like I was once told “One day, you will understand…”
Maybe, one day..we will see us as we are, without bias, without tinted windows.
Maybe, one day…I would see it from another perspectives, that the koalas, rhinos and horses died a worthy cause, because clearly, I am more important.

Be cruel to be kind

Which is more cruel: To stay on and suffer, or walk out gracefully while you still can?

I was having a conversation with a friend when he suddenly asked:

What would you do if you found out your colleague isn’t coping with his/her job, stressed and was on the verge of breaking down?
Me: Ask him/her to resign.
Him: (o.O) Got a more politically/ morally correct answer?
Me: Oh…help him..talk to him/her, coach him/her more, monitor him/her closely, offering him/her a hand when needed…etc
Him: Yeah..that’s more like it..

Morally right, no doubt…we should all be kind to those that aren’t coping..etc..but in reality, we are all fully aware that that, although correct, may not be the most practical or feasible solution.

He thought that I wasn’t very nice, but perhaps, the corporate world has always been a dog-eat-dog world, and even more so in view of the global economic downturn.
It has always been a case of survival of the fittest, of evolution..
How often were we being confronted by circumstances whereby it’s either you perform, or be shown the exit door?

As much as we would like to think things are all rosy and good, it is often not the case. Afterall, life itself is full of ups and downs..but is it because one does not know how to deal with the particular person, we show him/her the door? Or perhaps maybe one believes in utilitarianism: The greatest good for the greatest number of people? Afterall, if the under-performing colleague is gone, we may not need to take care of tasks which he/she has not been able to complete due to his/her incompetency.
Perhaps. Or perhaps we just need to understand as bad, as cruel as it sounds, it may actually be the best and kindest thing to do.
That by asking the person to walk away, it is not the end of the world. Rather, it is to give the person an opportunity to start over, to start afresh.
For although the person isn’t doing well here, he/she may do well elsewhere, or in another field. As it is, and always will be, a matter of to whom one’s being compared to.

Perseverance.
“Persist and persevere, and you will find most things that are attainable, possible”. -Lord Chesterfield-
I’m one that believes in that. But I also believe that this may not be applicable in certain circumstances, and it is no one-size-fits-all thing.
And this is one situation where perseverance may do more damage than good.

People think that it’s holding on that makes people strong. Sometimes, it’s letting go.
Life is a long journey, with peaks and troughs, with roadblocks every now and then. And some gets it harder than the rest. But why want to continue on a route that you know will do you more harm than good, when we are fully aware that that’s not the only way, and there’s always alternatives.

Conclusion: Walking out of the door is an alternative, not a dead end.
And it may be the best alternative, as cruel as it may sound.

It’s not what it is..

..It’s what you want it to be that matters.
That was the thing that came to my mind when I was told to change my approach.
It was a reasonableness test. After spending days looking into it, dealing with different people, frustrated and tired of the unreasonableness of it, we changed the approach. Despite that approach was taken and worked for the past few years. Because it should not be unreasonable.
Because strictly speaking, it’s not a test. It’s a working where we just need to make it reasonable..
Because ultimately, what matters is that it is reasonable. No matter what.

But that got me thinking. In a wider aspect. And a post by my sister just sorta put the pieces together. And so, this post, a response to hers.

More often than not, we tend to value life as what we have, what we own. Often, we let our circumstances dictate our lives. We define the quality of our lives with what we have..compared to what others have. Often, we see others to be better off than us. They seem to have everything, and we wonder, why can’t we have the same.
Often, we blame it on the unfairness of it all. Often.

Life isn’t fair.
People die walking in the street, simply because some robbers decided to not only rob them off their belongings, but also their lives.
People die paying toll on toll booths, simply because some lorries/buses decided to ram into them.
People die in bush fires, simply because they were unlucky to be where they were.

Life isn’t fair.
Because humans are humans. We are shallow. We stereotype others from first impression, from their looks, from the colour of their skin. Some people never have any opportunity come their way just because of their below average looks, or their timid personality, while others get ahead simply because of their apple polishing skills.
Some need to work twice as hard to get half the acknowledgment, while others get twice the credit, with half the effort.

Life isn’t fair.
Because while I worry about how to get my reasonableness test to be reasonable, people out there are worrying about how to put food on the table for the family.
While I’m complaining about how hot the weather have been these days despite me being in the air conditioned room most of the time, there are people out there dying from hunger.
While I’m grumbling about how much work there is to be completed with me getting paid peanuts, people out there are dying due to poverty.
While I’m complaining about the unfairness of it all, people out there are dying due to war, due to illnesses.

Life isn’t fair. It has never been. But who ever said that life is fair? While we always see what’s against us, how many of us saw what we have? People only learn how to appreciate things and people once they are gone. We take things for granted. It’s obvious, yet how many truly realises it?

Life isn’t fair. It’s ironic. It’s comparative. For while we envy others for having so much, they may just be looking at us, thinking we have everything too.
We look upon others, and we wonder, how come he/she has a career, good looks, supportive family, and a wonderful partner?
Yet, at the same time, I believe there are people looking at me, thinking I have much.
How many really knows what’s going on beneath the surface? After all, the grass is always greener on the other side, or so we thought.
I have jolly friends. One of them was especially so. She’s such a happy soul, that she literally spreads happiness to people around her. Things never seem to bother her. She doesn’t worry about her work, her pay, her bonus, nothing. Seems like she’s reached nirvana. Yet, she’s one that has been through much. Broken family. Father passed away when she was just 20. No one would’ve guessed. No one could have.

Life isn’t fair. Because I do not think it’s meant to be.
But when I look at this friend of mine, it really isn’t about how fair life is. It’s not about what it is, it is about what we want it to be, how we perceive it to be. And that, is life.

Freedom

*pic from google

When I googled for the definition of freedom, many things came up, politically, socially, personally.

To some, freedom equals the freedom of speech, the freedom to choose what to believe, freedom to vote.
To others, freedom means to be financially free.
More often than not, perception of one on freedom changes with time.

When we were younger, we often see freedom as ‘how many sweets will I get to eat before mom starts scolding’, ‘how late may we stay out’. As we grow older, we started wondering when will we be financially free so that we no longer need to rely on the pocket money given by our parents, and finally be truly free to do what we want, go places, and get a life.
We graduate, find a job, start working, and finally, the financial freedom, or so we thought. But unless one falls under exceptional cases, we start from the bottom, with measly pay (Some even less than what one could get from the parents). We work harder, and harder…hoping to provide ourselves, and our family, the best of things.

After all, money makes the world goes round, and some said, the root of all evil. And if we have learned nothing else, we should at least have learned that when it comes to a matter of money, there was never enough, never is, and never will be. Soon, we get into the rat race, in our endless pursuit for materials, money, power. We believe that money will buy us happiness, that it will buy us security.

We believe in the idea of evolution, natural selection, and more importantly, survival of the fittest. And we want to be the fittest.
In our relentless pursuit for financial freedom, we have, effectively, tied ourselves down with commitments, taken up more burden to truly be free. But we didn’t care.
Overtime, things take a toll on us. We grow tired. But we persevere, believing that once this is over, we would be able to achieve what we seek, and be happy.

Only to wake up, one day, realising that we would never achieve that financial freedom. Because there will never be enough. Yet, we get so absorbed with the idea of financial freedom, money, power, and of course, the rat race, that we overlooked that we have failed to be free to truly be what we want to be, to be oneself, an individual.

In pursuit of material satisfaction, many let go of their dreams, their aspirations..
And when we look back, we realise that perhaps, one can never be truly free, and perhaps, the only time we ever come close to that, was during childhood days…

Conclusion: As they say, both adulthood and money are overrated. But life…goes on..

Lies

Lies..
Everyone lie. That’s the bitter truth.
Clients lie, patients lie. Boyfriends, girlfriends, employees, employers all lie..I lie…
If anyone tells you he has never lied, he’s lying.

Out of desperation, people lie, thinking that it’s just a lil white lie which wouldn’t hurt. Which may be true. We live with it, despite knowing full well that the person is lying…on trivial matters.

But there are circumstances where a lie is intolerable. When it matters, a single lie destroys the whole reputation for integrity. For one, a relationship is built upon trust. Thus, the fate of the relationship was sealed the moment one party lies to another. It was doomed to fail.

If ones wants to lie, lie to the end. Lie so perfectly that the person being lied to will never find out. Lie even to yourself so that the it will be the truth, and not a lie. For or else, it will be a case of having 7 lids, for10 pots, where one lie leads to another, and ultimately, they will spill over, like it or not.

Recently, I found out that an acquaintance of mine has been literally copying and pasting my posts to her own blog. Sure, I was credited for one of them, but not the other post. Yet, I am angry not only because my own posts were “plagiarised”, but also because I reckon I went private for a reason, and I trusted her enough to allow her into my private blog.
I wasn’t sure if she was simply ignorant, or did it on purpose. Either way, I wasn’t happy.
But I gave her the benefit of doubt, that she was simply ignorant. Nonetheless, I confronted her.

But her reply what was made me more furious than ever.
Excerpt of it:

Yinfun, December 6 at 12:39pm

Hello there. I found out recently that you’ve copied 2 of my posts to your own blog. I understand that you gave me credits, but do understand that I went private for a reason.
Appreciate it if what’s in my blog, be left in my blog.
Thanks!

December 6 at 4:04pm

okay. i’m sorry. i actually copied some before u went private cos i think its kinda inspiring, just wanted myself to remember when i read those posts back. didn’t mean to offend u thats why i credited u.. having said that, it won’t happen anymore. sorry.

She actually has the guts to say that! I didn’t know I looked like an idiot to her. I was not only speechless, but utterly disappointed, for the posts she copied was definitely AFTER I went private. It was a failed attempt by her to justify what she did. And if I may say, it was cowardly. I’d rather she just admit it, apologise, and move on. Perhaps then, I would still have a lil respect for her.

Conclusion:Personally, I really do not know why am I so angry. Perhaps it’s simply because a person lied to me, and I do not like the idea of being lied to. Perhaps it’s because he/she thinks I’m dumb enough to fall for it. Perhaps, more importantly, because I know I can never learn to trust him/her again.

To stay, or not to stay

I’m generally a thinker, or so I think…
I think a lot, I ponder a lot. I think about my past, my future, and of course, my present.
I would wonder what if I didn’t head to Australia for my studies at the first place, what if I didn’t do what I did, what if I didn’t come home, what if I didn’t join the firm I’m with now..
Perhaps I would be a lawyer, perhaps I would be a pharmacist, perhaps I would be a psychiatrist, perhaps. But the fact remains as this: I would never know. Too many perhaps, too many assumptions, too many variables.

But people would still think about it. Think about their next step, think about their future, their career, their family.
For me, these days, more often than not, I’ll end up thinking about work. What’s to be done, what’s left. Time and again, I would stare at my laptop, looking at the impossibly long list of things to be done. And more often than not, I would feel that I’ve lost yet another battle, and I wonder, ultimately, what are my chances of winning the war.
I’ve wondered how did I get myself into this, working on a bare minimum of 10 hours daily job, with impossible expectations, way-off budgets, ridiculous clients, unachievable goals and unbearable workload. But most of all, I wondered how did I manage to last this long.

To be honest, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I see no way out, yet, I have no idea why am I so determined to continue this..
Or perhaps I’m not. I’ve had thoughts of giving up, I’ve had thoughts of slowing down, to take a breather, to quit.
I’ve had my share of frustration, my share of depression, my share of failures, lost battles.
I promised myself 3 years ago, that no matter what, I’ll stay for 3 years. No matter what. And I have achieved that.
Looking back, I have indeed achieved much in the past 3 years. Qualifications, promotions, increments, friends made. Yet, in exchange, I’ve lost a fair bit too.. my personal life, time lost, deteriorating health, fast-aging look. Perhaps that’s the theory of equilibrium.
Yet, on another hand, the world economy is slowing down, and with the theory of last-in, first-out, this may not be such a good time to embrace change. More importantly, the temptation of good earnings if I continue to stay on for another 2 years is definitely not something I can discount.

I’ve finally come to my crossroads.

I do not have any answers. I really don’t. At this juncture, I have more questions than answers. And hence, for some whom are concerned, I’m not rushing to make any rash decision. Not until I find out what I truly want.

Conclusion: It’s a long winding road ahead. For everyone. And I truly understand that the grass always look greener on the other side, although, sometimes, they may not be quite the case.