Happily ever after…or is it?

Never in my life had I wanted to get married.
But I did.
And when I did, never did I think I would get a divorce.
But I am doing that too.

Fate has a way to turn a life around in ways that we never thought it would.
And sometimes when you thought you are walking alone, along the path less taken, you noticed that you are never quite alone.

Since the time my own marriage fell apart, I’ve come to know quite a few of my friends are also going through the very same.
2 of them, are friends very close to heart.
Yet, as we grow up, we grow apart.
So much so that I failed to notice they too were having issues of their own.
Or perhaps, I was just too absorbed in my own issues that I failed to see theirs.

When one of them told me that it was over for her and her partner too, my heart broke for her..and I somehow traveled back in time.
I recalled her walking down the aisle, looking like the happiest person ever.
I recalled thinking “she has truly found her happily ever after..”
I recalled being happy for her happiness.
Naturally, she was the last person that would come to mind to end up in the same state I ended up.

Which made me think…
How arrogant of us, of me, to believe, almost blindly, without much foresight, in happily ever after.
To believe that things would just fall into place naturally like fairy tales.
When I had always known, life is far from a fairy tale.
That happily ever after… Is more like a phantom.
An illusion sold to kids by storybooks.

“Life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed, and imperfect.”

When I caught up with her, it has been years since we last spoke, no less than a decade since we last met.
Yet, we spoke to each other as if we only caught up yesterday.
Conversations came naturally, and we spoke candidly, comfortably..on our successes, and failures, our ups and downs, our highs and lows.
As we both confided in each other, shared our happiness and grief, laughed at our misfortunes, all issues, problems that once seemed insurmountable became a lot smaller..
“A good laugh heals a lot of hurt”
We laughed until it hurts, and then some more.

Something she said left me thinking. “Things aren’t inherently good or bad. It’s just our perspectives that made it good..or bad”
As we stand at what seems like the end of the road, It is important to recognize that this is also the beginning of something new.
To start afresh, to choose again, to not choose again, to take charge, to decide the path forward.

Perhaps, happily ever after is a choice too.
That we can consciously make, to be
Regardless of our circumstances.
Regardless of our status.

Drafts

It came to my attention, that I have so many unfinished posts – Drafts.

Either I lost my line of thought and got stuck, or the mind went off contemplating something else.
Most times, my thoughts simply trailed off…
As a result, there are drafts with paragraphs written and no conclusion, drafts that ended mid-sentence, some with content and no title, and others a title but no content.

Some days, too tired to pen down the thoughts
Other days, thoughts were too messy to be penned down
Some day, I wonder if it’s worth writing
Other days, I read back my old posts, and I wonder how much have changed since.

One thing remained true. This is a place I come to put my thoughts together, sometimes, a lil like putting pieces of puzzles together.
A place that I write not to be read. I write so that I do not forget.

Memories fail. Feelings fade. Perspective change. Priorities change.

Perhaps, one day, I will be able to finish the drafts to make posts
Perhaps, one day, all those pieces of missing puzzle will come together, and a picture could be pieced together.
Perhaps…

2020

I’ve given a bit of thought into the title, but this feels apt.

In 1991, the Malaysian 4th (and subsequently 7th) Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir introduced the ideal of Wawasan 2020, or Vision 2020 as part of his 6th Malaysia Plan. The vision calls for the nation to achieve a self-sufficient industrialised nation by the year 2020, encompasses all aspects of life, from economic prosperity, world class education, political stability and social well-being.
When I was younger in school, every so often, we were asked to draw our version of Wawasan 2020 in our Art Class. Our vision of 2020.
I could still remember that most would draw some high rise buildings, flying cars, and a nation where all the race would live happily in harmony..
Fast forward to the year 2020, it became a year where a year to forget for most, a year of nightmare for some.
One thing for certain, it will be a year that will go down to history as an unforgettable year.

A couple of years ago, I read the book ‘Sapiens’ by Dr. Yuval Noah Harari, a book which spans the whole human history. It piqued my interest, and I started on the sequel ‘Homo Deus’, published in 2017, a book that writes about tomorrow, or how the writer believes humankind will cease to exist one day.
I have yet to finish the 2nd book (>.<)”…so I can’t tell you how it ends, but thinking back about my unfinished book, there was a paragraph which goes, and I quote

“The great epidemics of the past – famine, plague and war – no longer control our lives. We are the only species in history that has single-handedly changed the entire planet, and we can no longer blame a higher being for our fate.” – Yuvah Noah Harari, Homo Deus

What happened in 2020, I’m not sure many foresaw.
That the world will go into lockdown, some harder than the rest. Schools ceased, cinemas & shopping malls closed, restaurants & cafes limited to take away and deliveries. Offices closed, everyone confined to their homes. Borders close, travelling no longer possible.
That we could be brought to our knees, by a virus, a pandemic.
In the 21st century, when humans are becoming ever more invincible, ever more powerful, nature has its way to interrupt, to stop us at our tracks.
A pandemic that kills economy faster than it did humans…
A pandemic that made us choose between economy and human lives..
With some countries, the economy won. They would rather overwhelm the health system and sacrifice a few (or not so few) people than have a recession that could take years to recover from…

A year which throws everything out of whack,
A year which throws plans out the window,
A year which changes a lot of things.
A year when I truly see “to each, their own”…that we only stand in solidarity when we have the capacity to, that the solidarity, is conditional.
A year that the Wawasan 2020 went up the flames, and all that’s left is dust…a nation more divided than ever, a country riddled by corruption more than ever, with a change of government, economic recession, it turns out to be all but the Vision 2020 we…or at least I had in mind 30 years ago.

But that’s life..
Sometimes, life is smooth-sailing and everything seems to go our way.
Other times, life just takes an unexpected turn that throws everyone off balance, ruin all plans that we made, changes everything.

Personally, it almost feels like just another year…
Spent mostly at home, where physical distancing and masks are becoming a norm rather than exception..
A friend asked me recently what was my highlight of the year…other than the pandemic…
I struggled to recall…everything felt so distant…but as I sit down and reminiscence, I would think I have achieved a few milestones in life…but again, by whose definition?

I managed to spend CNY at home, visited a friend’s new home, had our yearly gathering, visited and paid respect to Popo..
I had a rather interesting wedding which was ever changing, even until the very last day.. a rather intimate event which unfortunately, was not attended by some close friends and family due to the pandemic. In a way, luck was on our side, as Victoria went into lockdown 2 days later.
I spent the rest of the year working from home (and still is!), came to notice about how communications over messaging platforms could be taken out of context, and realised the importance of facial expression and body language had on communication.
I never thought there would come a day I would get excited about going back to office, meeting colleagues, or actually having a face to face chat with someone outside my own home considering how anti-social I am, but that day came.
I was given some rare opportunity at work to lead a project despite being the more junior associate, with 2 more senior colleagues supporting, and manage to led it to some success, gaining some recognition along the way.
I had a even rarer opportunity, and got promoted at work. An opportunity that I never thought possible simply due to the fact I was geographically so far away. An opportunity that I have given up on long ago when I decided to move down under.
I made some friends online (Yes! An accomplishment considering it was not from work, and considering my anti-social nature!) *Pats own head*. From a common interest, I made friends from various parts of the world, 3 of whom I actually got considerably close with.
I made a trip interstate and met a friend that I’ve never seen before, and spent a good few days with her, amazed at how well we kicked it off, and came to see how effortless some things can get.
For someone who has her share of awkwardness with people, I’ve came to conclude that there are some people that we could never close with no matter the effort, and then there are some that we get comfortable with without much effort.

Overall, 2020 felt like a rather boring and mundane year, with too much time locked at home, too lil time being out and about. Yet, as I look back, it has been a year that had its ups and downs.
A year that I still have many things to be thankful for…
A year that much has change, yet felt like nothing has change…
A year that has been relatively kind to me, despite the pandemic, despite the lockdown..
On the other hand, Mochi had the best year he had to date, as everyone is home…everyday!! Always someone to keep him company, so much walkies, so much attention!

Ironically, by December 2020, most were going on about how 2020 had been a horrible year, and they couldn’t wait for it to end, and for 2021 to be here…
Ironic, because here we are at the beginning of 2021, and unsurprisingly, it hasn’t magically changed for the better. Covid19 cases are breaking records day after day, and more people are dying.
Perhaps, in the end, as much as we have perfected the art of cheating death, nature has it’s own way for natural selection…that in the end, it is about survival of the fittest.
Perhaps, it is just another lesson in life, that we couldn’t plan for everything, and we couldn’t predict the future.
Perhaps, one day I’ll look back to this as if it’s just another day, as the pandemic becomes a norm…time will tell.

Rainy Sleepless Night

It’s 3 in the morning, a time when I should be sleeping,
Windows open, raindrops falling,
Lying awake, tossing and turning,
Wondering, thinking, pondering.

In a tug of war between the heart and the brain,
Neither would give up, nor give in,
Historically, the brain always win,
Yet, this time, the heart is pleading to give this to him.

The anger is real , the frustration palpable,
It was less of the action, more of the reaction,
Could help but wonder, is this just one big bubble,
Yet, I have no answers, just more questions.

There are a lot going on my mind,
So much that it’s keeping me up tonight,
Thoughts that isn’t exactly kind,
Is this really a case of fight or flight?

Before I knew it, the birds chirping,
It’s finally morning, the sun rising,
Didn’t get much sleep, but it doesn’t matter,
At least the darkest hours are over

There were days that things were so exhausting, I wished for nights to come early,
Today the inverse is true, as I wish for the light to put things into perspective,
For me to be able to see things a lil clearly,
Perhaps everything wouldn’t seem so defective.

The battle finally ended, both equally tired,
Still no answer in sight,
Perhaps only time will tell,
What is wrong, and what is right.

I do not understand…

There’s much that I do not understand..

When I was young, I was once told that “You will understand when you get older”, yet as I do get older, there are only more that I do not understand….wondering if I ever will.

I do not understand why we would cull sharks when one person gets attacked by sharks, yet never cull humans who kill other animals, and each other.
I do not understand how horses who served their lifetime racing and winning money for their owners end up with the most cruel fate at the abattoir.
I do not understand why other animals are paying the price for human actions
I would never understand why would some get pets only to abandon them later..
I do not understand how humans can be so full of ourselves, to believe that we are saving animals from extinction, when it was us that drove them to near extinction at the very first place.

I do not understand why people who fights for freedom of speech and democracy would beat up others simply because they do not share the same belief..for by doing that, were they not actually against freedom of speech?
More than that, I do not understand how others would support the violence.

I do not understand why some would fight so hard for marriage equality, why a relationship between 2 person needs to be validated by the world, or why others are so against the idea of having marriage equality..

I do not understand why when love ends, it turns into hate. When it seems only like yesterday that they want the best for each other, it suddenly became who can make the other more miserable.

I’ve given them so much thought, when it popped up in my mind.
An article I read a while ago,that in the end, it’s just a matter of perspectives.
Some more extreme, but nonetheless perspective.
From a terrorist’s perspective, he/she is not the violent one. Rather, he/she sees himself/ herself as the Jedi fighting the dark force, against the odds. That he/she is standing up when others cower in fear.

That most of us believed that we are creating a better world, for our own kind.

Perhaps, we just needed to have meaning of life.
Something to fight for, something to work towards..
Perhaps, like I was once told “One day, you will understand…”
Maybe, one day..we will see us as we are, without bias, without tinted windows.
Maybe, one day…I would see it from another perspectives, that the koalas, rhinos and horses died a worthy cause, because clearly, I am more important.

Life’s a marathon

2013 was the third year that I joined a run…the 10km run..
The first run I ever joined, was 3 years ago…
Then, I recalled I’ve asked myself time and again, what have I got myself into…
Then, most people were laughing at my stupidity, or my ability to over-estimate myself…

Yet, since then, I’ve joined another 2 runs…
A yearly affair, but this year, as I was running, it occurred to me, that the run, is just like life..

At the very beginning, we were all geared up, all excited to go..
In life, when we were younger, we were all excited about first day of school, then college, and then uni.
Thereafter, we get so sick of studying, we couldn’t wait until we get into the work force and be financially independent…
We get excited with a promotion, and some, the move out of the house, the beginning of a relationship, the wedding, etc…

At the start, we run with everyone..
In life, we started pre-school, primary school, secondary school…we made friends easily, everyone gets along considerably well, we study, play, hang out with our classmates, with our schoolmates..
When we first joined the workforce, we joined as a batch, with all the other fresh off the boats uni grads..

And slowly, people get further apart, the faster runners sped ahead, the slower runners get left behind..
In life, as we grow older, people grow apart…be it a change in circumstances, change in way of life, or the different choices we made in life…
Sometimes, we get left behind, and at other times, we leave others behind…

There will always be times where we would be running, all alone…and other times, joined by a few others..
In life, there are, for most of us, some parts of life that we walked alone..
The deepest secret, some experiences, some feelings…
For some, there were times we felt alone, even in the crowds..
For others, battling a demon inside; be it depression, stress, or other emotional pain that we felt we couldn’t express out…
At other times, we make some acquaintances, some friends, some lovers…
Most would come and go, a few that stays…

Some uphill run which seems impossible, some downhill route that’s a breeze..
In life, sometimes, things are very smooth sailing – a good career, promotion, bonus, relationship that just works, a supportive family, friends all around…
Yet, other times, we wonder if there is ever light at the end of the tunnel..We fall and fall, and as we thought we’ve hit the rock bottom, it turned out to be quicksand, falling further, faster – A time where nothing works. And most often, these are the times we felt most alone..

Sometimes, we planned, imagined, and practise the run in our head, but God has other plans; a twisted ankle, a knee that decided to give up before you do, rain and wind…
In life, we would plan for a lot, and for some, planned very far ahead…but over a night, with one phone call, in a snap of finger, we could find ourselves looking at our grand plan crumbling…
We could plan for our entire life, but who is to tell that we have 60 years, or 70 years of life?

Yet, ultimately, with resilience, perseverance, the right attitude, and belief, we would eventually reach the finishing line…still running…or walking…or limping…
I’ve had my share of easy flat surface, and downhill run, my share of good times..
2013, has been more uphill for me…at times wondering if there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel..
With every year, I trained a lil more, the run gets a lil easier…yet, every year, I’ve come to realised that my time never really improves. I’m amazed at myself at how consistent my time has been…albeit in a disappointing way because I can’t see the improvements I wished for.
Yet, I’ve learned that although my time may not be improving, it gets easier to run. Less aching during and after, less huffing and puffing during.
I’ve also learned that as much as it’s a physical run, it’s more of a mental game. To finish the race, we must be mentally prepared.

Some runners were as fast as lightning at the start, yet, they’d finish on a stretcher.
Some would give up halfway, for things got too difficult, the injuries were too much to bear, the aches and pain too much to take..
Some others were slow and steady, and although may be the last few to finish the race, they’d finish.

Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the finish line when we decided to give up.
Sometimes, we do not realise how close we are to the end of the tunnel when we cave in to the darkness.

Life, is not a sprint. Life, is a marathon.
I came across this video in Ted Talk, which has a rather interesting perspective of what drives success.

That at the end of the day, it’s not about talent, it’s not about how smart we are…
Neither about how gifted, nor how confident…
It’s about perseverance, persevere when things take a turn for the worse, persevere when success seems the most unlikely result…
It’s about an undying passion, for long term…

You ran the marathon..
Notwithstanding the injuries, irregardless of the rain and storm, in spite of the pain..
you finished..
And for that, I am truly proud of you..

As for me, I ran just another 10km.
But the run was liberating..
I now understand some things which I struggled to fathom..
“Life is like a topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure”..
Calvin

 

2013, in Summary

It has been a practice of mine to try to sum up a year that has just passed. 
Whether they were the best of times, or the worst of times.
2013, for me, has its ups and downs…and I would like to think, I grew with these experiences.

January – The Move
After living for almost a year like a nomad (Well, not exactly..just a couple of temporary places), nearly going crazy every weekend, inspecting more than 20 different places, a decent place was finally found, and secured.
Then came the madness of furniture purchase, the packing and unpacking, the clean ups, and assembling of various furnitures, and the move.
But finally, a place that I know wouldn’t be only for a few months.
A lil more settled, after nearly a year…

February – The Celebrations
The month of February marks a year since I came down under.
A year of uncertainties, a year of change.
It’s also the month where we celebrate Chinese New Year.
My first long holiday and celebration with family, since I started work (And under employment).
2012 was my first year of long CNY holidays, but that was because I was in the transition period, and was unemployed.
As it turns out, this will also go into history as the last Chinese New Year celebrated with you…
I remember, how you had trouble walking, and would hardly get out of the house, and yet after much persuasion, you came out for dinner, the night before my flight back to Melbourne.
And that night, I took what turned out to be our last picture together….

April – The Beginning
For those who know me. would’ve realised long ago that I’m a lazy person.
I will do what needs to be done in the most efficient manner so that I can laze.
*Then again, for those who hardly knows me would probably have figured it out from my blog address anyway..
And because I’m not fat (Thank god), I didn’t really have much need to do anything to “lose weight” or “maintain my weight”..
After years of bare minimal exercise, I know that something needs to change.
I am, unfortunately, getting older, and without any exercise, I can foresee where my health is heading…south.
So, I started doing something…Golf.
Most would have already burst out laughing by now, thinking…”WTF? That’s not exactly what comes to mind when one says exercise!”
I’m a realist. I can’t change overnight from being a couch potato to a health freak that goes to gym every other day..
I’ve tried that route, and it failed…terribly…
So what’s better than going to the driving range and hit a few balls? Not too strenuous, and I can still justify it is a form of exercise!
The first 2 few outings to the driving range was…well…not great. But that’s another post for another day.
More importantly, I took the first step..baby steps, but a step nonetheless for a healthier lifestyle.

Apr-May – The Work Trip
Parents also came over for holidays in April – May period.
Dad, worried about his precious doggies, stayed for 2 weeks, as otherwise “the doggies will miss me too much…”- Dad.
Mom, on the other hand, stayed for a month, and coincided with my business trip to Sydney..
So naturally, she came with me.
While I worked on the weekdays, she walked around and explore by herself.
What’s impressive? She managed to not take a bus/ train/ taxi the 2 days while she was exploring by herself, until she found out about the free shuttle bus!
What’s funny? She walked so much, and took so many wrong turns trying to get back to the hotel, that she got blisters by the 3rd day…
Still, I’m amazed at how much walking my mom is capable of.

June – The anniversary
My one year at work anniversary, that is.
It’s tradition in the firm that everyone gets a “birthday” card on their anniversary with the firm.
And oh, 2 free movie tickets too!

July – The free fall
A month that started off to be the beginning of my busy season for the year,
a month that has more downs than ups,
the month filled with grief, sorrow, and heartbreak.
A final farewell, a last good-bye.
We all knew you were hospitalised. What we didn’t know, was how severe your condition was.
Everyone went on with their ever busy schedule…until sis got a friend to check on you..
The last minute purchase of flight tickets, the even more last minute change of fight tickets…
The long flight home, the meeting the night I touched down, the pain on your face, the peaceful look you had the next morning as you slipped into coma..
The finger movement when we spoke to you, the toes movement when the fingers could no longer respond, our worried face as your warm hands slowly turning cold…
The lil whispers by your ears, the confession on the things we did when we were young..
That phone ringing at 3am, the dreaded news, the rush to the hospital, the wake, the final goodbye, the pain of losing a loved one..
Mentally, emotionally, it was a free fall..
You’ve showed me that it’s a matter of Mind over matter, and the power of will power when you held on, to keep to your words, that you’ll wait for us to get home…
And when I felt the most despair, when I felt hopeless, when I didn’t know how to face the truth, you showed me the way..again…
That without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

When I felt most vulnerable, you showed me hope…A double rainbow.
Not once, not twice, but 3 times within 3 months…

August – September: The pick up
Picking up where I left off.
Picking myself up…
Picking the memories of us, during the younger days, during the holidays, during out catch ups…
Remembering the better days, remembering what you taught me…
And picking up golf again…with beginners’ lessons.
I started running again as well, in preparation of the 10km run…
And the rest, went by in a daze…

October – The run
My second consecutive year of joining the Melbourne Medibank Marathon – 10km run.
By this time, I could actually feel my fitness level has gone up, not quite fit, but I know I’m doing better than I was a year ago..
I could run further, run longer without feeling I was about to drop dead.
Finished the race without feeling like my body’s gonna break apart the next day, and that’s significant improvement for me.

“Do not be afraid of going slow, as long as you are still going…”

I might not be there, but one day, I will be…

November – The wedding
When I was in Malaysia, especially in my final few years, I have attended, on average, 2 weddings each month…
Everyone was getting hitched, and weddings just became a monthly/ bi-monthly affair.
However, since I came to Melbourne, things have quieten down a fair bit..
A rather simple affair…
But it was a celebration, a union of 2 person, in love, making a legal vow to stay by each other’s side, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…
And that, was all that matters…

December – Japan
A trip to the land of rising sun…
Japan as Japan is, peculiar, weird, and everything funny.
A country that operates at very high efficiency,
A country that is part of Asia, yet feels like it’s another world out there…
While most raved about how great Tokyo is, how fantastic the shopping is, it would probably not go down my memory as the most memorable part of the trip.
I recalled not the shopping areas, not how wonderful the sushis were, not how efficient they operate…
I recall,
On the first day when I touched down, tired after the full day flight, wet from the rain, and frustrated from going in circles, lost, a very kind man walked with me, shared with me his umbrella, to find a hotel even he doesn’t know where at..for nearly 30 minutes..my faith in humanity – restored.
I recall,
On Christmas eve, we went up to Koyasan, covered in snow..my first white Christmas…
The walk at the cemetery, to a temple, was one of the more peaceful walk I took..
The trees which were hundreds of years old, the pathway, the tombstones, covered in snow..the falling snow…

I felt a sense of calmness and peacefulness I have not felt for a while..

2013.
Not the best of years..
But definitely a year that will go down history as one to be remembered..
Not necessarily for the better…
I guess, sometimes, it is these life changing events that shape a person..
I guess, sometimes, it is these unhappiness, that make us appreciate things in life..
I guess, sometimes, it is these trials that defined our lives…

Into Perspective

A few days ago, a decision was made..
That some things, no matter how unwilling, needs to be address..
That some things, no matter how difficult, needs to be accepted…
That sometimes, no matter how reluctant, we need to move on…
And sometimes, no matter how dark it is, we take that first step, in darkness, in faith..

For the moment that first step is taken, things get easier.
In the absence of light, at the times where darkness conquer, one gets to choose…
To either let the darkness seep in, and get the better of us,
Or to let the light within lead us forward, in search of the light at the end of tunnel..

A friend once said to me “You think too much…relax..stop thinking so much and you’ll probably be happier”
So I did…
Only to realise, there’s no one shoe that fits all..

We all have a demon inside…
And we all have our own ways to deal with that demon..
Some has the ability to push it aside, storing it in the ice box so that it never sees light again,
Others battle with that demon, reason with it, argues with it..

For the latter, ignoring the demon only gives it more power over the person,
More freedom to roam, more room to influence, more ways to bring the person down…

A few days ago, I decided that it’s time that I stop running away, stop avoiding, stop hiding..
After what seems like eternity, I sat down, in front of my laptop..
I reminiscence..
I reflect…
I think…
Letting the grief, the frustration, the painful memories run..
Letting the tears flow…
Letting the weakness show…

Yet, during those times, I was finally able to put somethings into perspective..
There’s a Buddhist saying..
That life, by its nature, is difficult, flawed and imperfect..
There are only 3 certainties in life the moment we were born: Aging, Illness and Death (And for most, tax)
Everything else, is fleeting.
Yet, we tried to hold onto things that are constantly changing, that’s short-lived.
Tried holding on to an illusion, a phantom…something that’s never ours to hold onto.

If, and only if we are able to see beyond me, myself and I,
When we learn to let go what is temporary, keeping the best part of the memories, memories,
life would be a lot easier.
For you once said to me “We come to this world alone..and we leave this world alone…”

I’m still learning, taking one step at a time, but I’ll get there…
For I’ve stop running, I’ve stop hiding..
I’m fighting that demon, head on.

That night, I penned down 2 posts.
That night, I let go..
That night, I found myself, only human…
That night, I took the first step, the leap of faith..
That night, I felt peace..

The heart has a mind..

…that the brain does not know of..

It has been more than 2 months since you left, and things have never been quite the same..
A rough patch of life, where things seem to fall apart more than it seems to fall together.
The day after my flight back to Melbourne, when I was feeling unwell, hopeless, and helpless,
I saw a double rainbow…a good sign, a sign of hope…
For rainbow could only appear after the rain..
I wondered if you were watching over me…giving me the strength…

For most of my life, I’ve been a considerably strong person. One that is capable of taking good care of myself, put my thoughts forward, stand for myself, by myself.
And due to that very fact, I’ve held my head high, taking on challenges head on..
Yet, sometimes, we get reminded, that we are only human.
And for that, there will be times where we would be down at our knees, seeking for a way out of the misery.

I couldn’t help but realise, that I’ve been a shadow of myself.
In those days, no matter how the odds were stacked against one, I’d challenged it – Do your worst, and you’ll see the best of me.
No matter the stress, the pressure, faced head on, tackled head on.
Yet, I’ve been running…only to find I couldn’t hide..
I’ve refused to shed any more tears for your passing, refused to face certain issues which have been bothering me…
Refused to think, refused to address…
Avoiding when possible, running away if need be..

Yet, life has a funny way to deal with people…
The more one turns away, the more it haunts one down…
The more one runs away, the more powerful it becomes…
It gains its grip over the person so subtly, that the person was not aware that the burden has grown increasingly heavy
As much as one can run, one can’t hide.
As much as the brain can be rational, the heart is breaking down..
While thinking that time heals, and time will show, unexpectedly, one gets hit..hard..
The world around the person goes into a whirlwind, downhill, with no end in sight..

For the past months, I’ve been running…
Refusing to address the issue, refusing to face the facts, refusing to accept reality..
Hoping that it will go away, that normalcy will return..
After all, what else can I ask for?
A professional, steady career, decent pay, a roof on top of my head, a car to drive, some money in the bank, a relationship, out of the country to greener pasture…
Yet, sometimes, none of the above, not even all the above, guarantees happiness, and peace of mind.

All the issues being brushed aside coming back to haunt the mind,
the burden gets heavier as days go by.
So much so, that all we want, is to give in, and give up…

There comes a time where we need to stop running, stop hiding…
There comes a time where we need to decide, to take on the challenge, to take a conscious stand, to stand, and to fight.
For irregardless of the result, it is better off that we fought a battle with all we have and lose, than never to have fought at all and admit defeat.

Today, on my way home, I saw another double rainbow…
During my darker times…you gave me hope…
I knew then…that I would now have the courage to face all that I should have faced months ago.
That my time, to fight the war, is now.
That although I may lose this battle, I will win the war…
Because you’re watching over me from above…
Because you taught me, even at the very last moment of your life, “When there’s a will, there’s a way”…
You’ve fought your battles gracefully, it is about time I fight mine…

I remember

My lil abandoned place…
A place where thoughts, perspectives, happenings get penned down.
A place where I reminiscence, a place to express myself, a place for me to remember…
Because we are only human.
Over time, we forget…Over time, we change…
And reading back my own posts, I could see the change in myself..driven by maturity, driven by circumstances, for better, or for worse.

Yet, some things, stay in our memory for longer..
Some memories, don’t fade over time…
Some memories, become lessons in life, and shapes the person we are.

I remember..
I remember those were the days…
I remember how you would go up the school bus with me to kindergarden.
And how you used to tell me, years later, how you’d tell the school bus driver to “scold” you and not let you into the bus, so that I could learn to be more independent, and actually go to school by myself..
The early mornings when you’d wake up the ever-so-grumpy me to catch the school bus even before 6am in the morning, and you’d wait with me for the bus..
The late nights when you would stood outside the house, worrying, wondering if all is well, when it took me nearly an hour longer to get home because the new bus driver drove like a tortoise.

I remember…
I remember the days where you’d cook us clams, and we’d have a “picnic” at the car porch, with an umbrella, and have our lunch with the scorching heat…
The nights where we’d play camping with the blanket and the double decker bed,
I remember the stories you told us when we couldn’t sleep at night…
Both the funny – The mice and the rice warehouse, and the heart wrenching – the days of World War 2 and the Japanese Occupation.
I’ll always remember the days in Cheras, the time when you bought me a pair of chicks just because I commented they looked oh-so-cute on tv…my first ever pet.
When one of the chicks died, the devastation I felt…and how I refused to eat chicken for the entire week…

I remember…
Your happy face when I was back during Chinese New Year, the reunion dinner, the second day big lunch, the yee sang..
I remember driving over to where you are every morning, spending the time with family…
And the fact that you still went out for dinner the night before I leave for Melbourne, although you were considerably weak, and have not left the house for a bit due to that..
The effort you made, your laughter at my lame jokes that night…

I remember…
The pain in your face and expression when I visited the night I touched down…
The very face that turned so peaceful the next morning, as you slip into unconsciousness..
I remember the stories we’d share with you, laughing, crying, by your bed side…
How your feet and hands slowly turned cold as the day passes…finally leaving us for good that very night…
I’d never forget how you persevered, to keep to your word, that you’d wait for us to return…
How you held on, despite the fact that the body has failed you, with just your willpower.
That until the very last moment of your life, you taught, by example, the final lesson in life:
When there’s a will, there’s a way…

You’ve worked hard, been through so much, enjoyed too little…
I hope you’ve now gone to a better place,
Where you’d get to reap what you sow…
I still do miss you..lots…
But I remind myself, everytime, that your journey, while full of challenges, you’ve emerged, against the odds, victorious.
That it should be a celebration of the life you had, the lives you’ve shaped and changed…rather than mourn for your passing…
I will remember…but until then, allow me to be weak, and shed my tears for what I would never be able to hold, to see, to talk to…just a lil more…
One day, when I’m ready, I’ll let go…