Negativity breeds negativity

“Negativity breeds negativity. We cannot let that infest us”
Those were the words that was often said by a person I knew..

I’ve never truly agreed with that, for negativity has helped me, as a person.
But, I couldn’t quite explain how…or why…but it has..

Until a few days ago, I stumbled across an article:

It’s Time to End Our Obsession With Positive Thinking

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

This well-meaning piece of advice was the chorus of a popular 80s song by Bobby McFerrin. It also probably represents the general philosophical attitude of western society in terms of how to maximize our quality of life.

There is a wonderful intuitiveness to such advice. Worry and other negative thoughts cause negative emotions, which are not pleasant. Conversely, happiness and thinking positively feel good. Easy choice, right?

“Think positively” and “the power of positive thinking” have become trademark slogans in our society. From self-help magazine articles to motivational speakers to friends and family, it has become folklore wisdom — fill your mind with positivity and you shall reap the mental health benefits.

In fact, negative thoughts and negative emotions tend to be seen as akin to germs and viruses — things to be avoided and fought. For many people, positive thinking is like medicine for one’s mental health (a cheaper, side effect free version of antidepressants).

The problem is that while positive thinking can yield some mental health benefits, an excessive and rigid search for positivity can bring about the opposite effect.

Sticking with the analogy of germs, negative thoughts and emotions (including stress) can be a good thing in moderation — like germs or viruses that stimulate the functioning of the immune system. There are a number of benefits of negativity, and at least some negativity in one’s life from time to time is probably desirable.

First, negative thinking can be adaptive. When problems arise, worry can be a constructive thing if it leads to problem-solving. Anxiety is useful when we are threatened and are in need of safety. (For example, you should feel some anxiety when driving in poor weather.) Sadness is a normal emotion in the context of loss. In fact, it is believed that the symptoms of depression evolved to facilitate the need for rest, protection and self-soothing.[1]

Second, negative life experiences (including negative thoughts and emotions) often play a significant role in maturation and character development. Guilt and shame not only allow us to recognize and correct mistakes we’ve made, but also to become a better person. Repeat experiences with frustration help build tolerance and may ultimately assist in the development of patience.

Third, the negative in life makes possible the enjoyment of positive things. Our perceptions are often shaped by contrasts. If you move your hand from ice-cold water to lukewarm water, lukewarm feels hot. A positive life experience will be more intense and meaningful if it occurs when stress and other problems have been in the background. When life is perfect, it is more difficult to enjoy the good things. Generally speaking, the threshold for receiving pleasure and enjoyment from experiences is more difficult to reach when pleasure and positivity are the norm.

Just as an immune system can become stronger with exposure to germs, people can become more capable of coping and enjoying life when they have had some exposure to negative life events (like a vaccine).

If negativity is a germ, positive thinking is Purell — certainly useful and needed, but some wonder whether its overuse weaken the user? Research shows that when people experience very few negative life events, they have less life satisfaction and more distress than those who have had to cope with moderate amounts of stress.[2]

Some people avoid negativity like they are trying to avoid a dangerous microorganism, and conversely strive to be surrounded by “positive energy” — a common pop culture term that I admittedly do not fully understand, but it sounds like a wonderful shield against the trials of life. (Oh, if only Schopenhauer had had more of this energy, how differently his life would have been!)

Now, allow me to be clear. I am not arguing against positive thoughts. They certainly have their place in mental health and can be very helpful and important.

However, it is probably best to use adaptive thinking instead of rigid, positive thinking. Adaptive thinking is defined by one’s ability to use whichever thoughts are best suited to a given situation. Sometimes we need to worry and feel anxious. Focusing on the positive while failing all of your university courses is not an adaptive strategy.

Conversely, trying to obsessively identify your faults (ie., self-criticism) and exaggerating the meaning of mistakes serves no useful function either.

Ideally, the goal is to utilize the most useful thought, emotion or behaviour — regardless of whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Psychologists have referred to this approach as psychological flexibility, and it is a significant predictor of psychological well-being.[3]

Being flexible with positive and negative psychological states of mind can be difficult to achieve, but is more likely to yield significant benefits in the long run.

Finally, it should also be noted that if it were easy to simply stop one’s worries and just “be happy,” I’d be out of a job.

Roger Covin, Huffington Post

Perhaps that was what happened.
Negativity may not necessarily breeds negativity.
For because of the negatives, we enjoy the positives.
Because of the sadness in life, we learn what it feels like to be happy.
Because we’ve been through the dark, we value light.
Because we understand loneliness, we cherish companionship.

The other day, What started off as spring cleaning turned out to be more. A fair bit more..
As I went through files after files, of study notes made as far as >10 years back, of certificates, examination results, achievements, report cards, etc., I had a walk down memory lane.
Some memories were happy, some not so.., some, surprisingly, still brings me pain till today..

But looking back…
Some success were overrated.
Some failures, overwhelming.
Some things which we thought was of utmost importance, in fact, has lil relevance.
Some emphasis, were way off the mark.
Some things which we thought matter, really didn’t matter.
While some things which we thought didn’t matter, are the ones that truly matters.
More importantly, while we were focusing on how to be happy, how to be successful, how to be the best of the rest, we have overlooked the importance of those not so pleasant experiences have in our lives..
That those failures, unhappy moments have the ability to shape our lives to a certain extent…in a good way…
It shaped mine..
We matured, and developed as a person, during adverse times.
We learn to stand back up when we fall, when the chips are down.
We learn of patience, of tolerance, of perseverance, and even, of compassion.

Some people has commented that I’m not the most positive person…
Perhaps, if only the person could see, there’s another perpective to it..

Change

When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

- Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Some change could be planned. Others, God’s plan.
As much as we would like to cling on to what is, to the status quo, to our comfort zone, change is imminent.
And learning to let go isn’t such a bad thing. We learn to embrace the new.
As much as we are afraid, being away from what we have all the while been comfortable with, could be exciting.

Some change for the better.
Some change for what they think is better.
Some change for what others think would be the best for them.

3 Jan 2012… marks the end of a chapter, and beginning of another.
6 years ago, I walked in, a noob, all excited, ever ready, to learn, to earn.
6 years later, I walked out, one last time, a lil wiser (I hope), a lil more experienced, a lil more seasoned.
As I walked out the door, I felt a lil lighter, a burden off my shoulder, yet all at the same time, I felt a lil heavier. After all, I did spend a lot of time here. Late nights, some weekends..
I’ve learnt much, I’ve gained much. But in exchange, I’ve lost a fair bit.
An opportunity cost that I was aware of from the start, a sacrifice, an exchange I made, willingly.

Someone recently said to me, “You’re finally giving up!”
Fact is, I’m moving on. I’m not giving up. They are not the same thing.

As I return the laptop, I hope that the change is for the better
As I return my tag, I hope that I made the right choice
As I walk out the building, sun shining, scorching hot, I glanced back, both glad, and sad.
Glad that I won’t be losing more sleep, and make my health worse..
Sad for as much as life wasn’t easy, I made some friends along the way, which made the journey a lot more interesting, a lot more bearable.

What follows subsequently, was something that was unexpected.
My expectation: I’d be enjoying the freedom, no more late nights, no more responsibilities, no work.
What happened: I was thrown out-of-whack.
I didn’t know what to do with the free time I have. I’ve lost my hobby and interest over the years, giving more attention to catch up with my sleep at every opportunity.
I was getting a lil restless.
And with so much uncertainties ahead, I was lost.

Thankfully, I have friends, and people who cared, that would listen.
That would help to put things into perspective.
This time off has also given me much time to do some thinking, and reflection..
And as much as I’m still fumbling in the dark, I’ve managed to find peace within me.
As the saying goes, “You do not have to see the whole ladder. Just take the first step.”
I’m taking that first step in faith.
That it is time to move on.
Even when I could not see what’s ahead of me.
Even if the unknown could be pretty daunting, especially when I’m no fortune teller.

I’m aware that not everyone thinks I made the right move, the best move for myself.
But I’m also aware, that if I don’t take that step today, one day, I would ask myself, why didn’t I…
It’s not a regret I would like to live with..
It’s a risk I’m willing to take..

Then I remembered, my dad once said to me “You are what you want to be. Your thoughts and actions, creates your reality, your fate”.
It’s time for my change, after being in my comfort zone, sheltered for so long.

2011, in Summary

January – The Peak of all peaks
The year started like any other normal year – the peak period. The only thing I didn’t foreseen then, was prolly just the fact that this could be the hardest, and possibly longest peak I would ever had. The new regulations, the new disclosures, the lack of resources, the new software.
It was challenging…that goes without saying..
One good news, and I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

February – The missing member
The family had a scare, when Bailey went missing on one fine day, and we knew something must have gone wrong when she didn’t return by dinnertime.
Luckily for us, fate was rather kind to us, and dad found her a couple of days later, “kidnapped” by some random people in the neighbourhood, whom didn’t have the guts to come out of the house when dad went knocking on the door upon seeing Bailey at the porch.

April – The extraordinaries
Extraordinary 1: I was invited to go to watch F1, live, in Sepang by a friend of mine. Honestly, as much as I follow the sport, I have never been to the watch it ‘live’. The experience, was pretty amazing, seeing those cars from so so near. Unfortunately for me, it was a relatively accident free race, and drama free too.. sigh..the disappointment
Extraordinary 2: The tickets were also valid for Rain Bi’s concert at Sepang, which took place after the race. And so, we went there…only to realise that there were no seats. Stand and watch kinda concert, which didn’t appeal to us very much. So, we walked around, took our goodies (a Rain concert tee), and got ourselves some drinks, and we left. Before the concert even started. Didn’t even bother to see how good he looks in person.
Extraordinary 3: We were subsequently stuck in massively horrendous jam for 3+ hours..from Sepang to KL. Epic jam.
Extraordinary 4: 2 weeks later, I actually went back to the F1 Sepang Circuit paddock, but this time, for a marathon. Yes. Me, running. 11km. Unbelievable? Believe it! And I actually completed the race (Surprise!), within the qualifying time (Surprise Surprise!)
Extraordinary 5: After so long, I’m no longer single. We officially started.

May – The break
After what seems like infinity, I finally took one week off work, for a family trip to Hanoi, Vietnam.
A much needed break, except that I somehow ended up having to wake up earlier than when I had to head to work. Tour Agents..tsk tsk. They really maximise everything!
And oh, it was also one helluva holiday. On the final day (luckily, the day we were flying home), all 3 of us had minor food poisoning.
(>.<)
It was also a time of frustration, because honestly, I felt victimised. First, the half year promotion was abolished, and unfortunately, I was one of the affected one. I take that as normal change that the company takes. Now, there's such thing called "exception" promotion? Perhaps, that was an indication enough.
And it also turns out, that Bailey was perhaps, fated to leave us when the time comes…as she went missing again…and was never found….

June – The insanity
One fine Friday, I decided that it is time to catch up with a friend which I have not seen since another’s friend’s wedding earlier in the year. So, I asked her out for a meal.
And then we decided to go for a movie. Upon checking out what’s showing, I realised I really have not been watching any movies, except 1 in the year. And there really are a number of movies I’d like to watch. A suggestion to catch 2 movies, out of jest, turned out to a pretty good idea with my friend.
But then, a lil later, we took it one step further. Make that 3.
And so, we had a movie marathon. Fast 5 at 11am, X-Men first class at 2.45pm, and then KungFu Panda 2 at 7pm.
And that, broke both my friend’s and my own record of most movies watched in a day, in the cinema.
It was also the month where my annual diving trip took place. This time, to one of the most beautiful dive site in the world – Sipadan.
I was in awe…seriously. Not by the school of barracudas, not by the gigantic turtles, not even by the leopard shark. But rather, at my inability to actually swim forward when the undercurrent was strong.
It was so bad, that despite me putting in all my energy, I was actually moving backwards~!
Then, my buddy came to my rescue, and pushed me..and after another 10 secs of swimming…we were still at the same spot~!! (T.T)
Luckily, yet another friend came to my rescue, and I was finally able to move forward, and hung on to some rocks, which is why I’m still here, alive, blogging. *pats the faithful rock*
An experience alright!

July – The challenge
A month that was full of the expected…and the unexpected.
The expected – I finally got my promotion…the delayed promotion at the end of July. I’ve finally obtained what I promised myself to achieve.
Strangely, it didn’t bring that much happiness to me than I thought it would…
A realisation perhaps, that I’ve been searching at the wrong place for peace, and happiness.
The unexpected – The Company actually nominated me for TRYLA (Tun Razak Youth Leadership Award [Programme]).
The unexpected x2 – I actually got in. A week of surprises, a week of doing a lot of things that I wouldn’t have done otherwise..some, I would never had the opportunity to.
A week of torture, a week of fun, a week of learning. I’ve truly learnt a lot. About perseverance. About perspective. About empathy. About understanding.
One of the probably more unforgettable event was the visit to Juvenile prison, as well as the Women prison.
It was eye opening, really.

August – The hole in the pocket
It seems like my wallet knew I got a promotion, and decided that it’s high time to spend.
My iMac died a premature death…barely one year odd….fortunately, I managed to back-up the most important information into my external harddisk.
Unfortunately, everything else…were gone.
And so, I got myself a new MacBook Pro instead, my first personal laptop..(I’ve always been a desktop person..don’t ask me why)
Went for a full body medical checkup as well, just to ensure everything is still working alright.
Surprisingly, besides the fact that I’m extremely underweight, everything is fine. No high cholesterol, no high blood pressure.

September – The quiet month
The most interesting thing that happened for the month? The 1 week Challenges of Management course. The reason – It was one of the more “fun” course, and part of it was in Penang~!

October – The happenings
While September was a quiet month, Oct was the other extreme. It even started with a bang.
The month started with me..being sick…So sick that I took the longest medical leave I have ever taken, in my life!
Somehow, I was down with a fever and sorethroat, that didn’t seem like going away…for 4 days.
And just as I was recovering, I was hit…again…Bigger..unfortunately not better.
The following week after I recover from fever, I developed a pain…stomach ache…abdominal pain..I don’t know what. The next thing I know, I was hospitalized, and had a surgery, for appendicitis.
That knocked me out for 2 weeks from work…
The silver lining: Luckily all that happened before my long leave, my holiday.
Followed by the trip to Melbourne for my sis’ wedding.
My one and only sis…
This also happened to be the month where the decision was made..and executed.

November – The multiple weddings
My sis’ Melbourne wedding took place on the 1st November 2011.
Then we came back, and another 2 weddings on the 5th November weekend.
Followed by another friend’s wedding on 11th November (Which I didn’t attend), my sis’ KL reception on 12th November, yet another friend’s wedding on 13th November.
And finally, my college mate’s wedding on the 19th November.
I just declared bankruptcy.

December – The break
For the first time during my stint with the current employer, I got a long break in December.
All previous years were spent working my heads off in the small town of Seremban, till the wee hours in the morning, rushing for deliverables…and only getting a few off from Christmas’ onwards.
A nice change.
As much as I was off work, though, I was actually rather busy.
Headed to Phuket, and had a few relaxing days there…not to mention, eye opening, as Patong beach, is, without a doubt, a separate world altogether.
Came back, and the very next day, went for the Handgun Shooting Course I bought off Groupon.
Apparently, I’m a pretty sharp shooter! Woots! Should the handgun be built smaller (due to my small hands), my shots could’ve been even more accurate, according to the facilitator~! *flexes non-existent muscles*
It was a rather interesting experience overall, for I thought I would have much difficulty holding the handgun in place, especially with the force from firing…but it turns out, I did alright.
The facilitator even went on to say that many people thinks that shooting is a game of strength. But it really is a mental game. A game of focus.
Headed to Penang for the 3rd time this quarter alone. A trip full of food, food and more food…what else? Food…
At the end of it, I’m not sure if I really had much of a break…mentally, physically, or even spiritually..

A rather challenging year, in more aspects than one, in both personal and professional front.
It has, nonetheless, been an exciting year, with ups and downs, tears and laughter, achievements, and disappointments.
I’ve learnt, and hopefully, grew. Not just a year older, but a year wiser.
And shall now welcome 2012, a year..of change…

The Speech

Just wanted to pen down the speech by the maid of honour, yours truly.

The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops working from the time you are born, until the moment you are about to start to make a speech.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Yin Fun, and I’ve known Mei my whole life, and most of hers.
There was a saying, that blood is thicker than water, and so, when Mei asked me to be the maid of honor, and give a speech, I felt delighted, and scared, all the same, for I’ve never been much of a public speaker…but because I’m her only sister, I couldn’t even turn her down~!
As a result, I’m standing here, in front of you….terrified~!

Before I begin, Mei, will you please place your left hand on the table. Jon, will you please place your right hand on top of hers.

I never knew Jon before he dated my sister, so I can’t tell you horrible stories about him, but I can tell you that I think he fits my sister, perfectly. He’s easy going, soft-spoken guy…who ermm..loves golf. Truth be told, I dare not say I know him very well…and if any of you wondered how did I conclude that he fits my sister, perfectly, it’s the way he looks at her, and the way she speaks of him.

Mei, you look spectacular today, and I would like to thank you for giving me the true meaning of the word sister….or so I think, since I do not have another sister to make comparison with.

As children, Mei and I were pretty much inseparable. We fought over every tiny thing, including who gets to sit in the front seat of the car, every day, and more often than not, because we couldn’t reach an agreement, we’d both end up squeezing into the front seat~! That’s how inseparable we were!

As we grow up, we grew apart for a short while during our teenage years, but things quickly caught up when we headed here for our studies, and we actually grew closer in those years than we have ever been, sharing our ups and downs, cries and laughter.

I do have a lot of funny and embarrassing stories about her, but because today’s her special day, I would leave her alone now.

I’ve been thinking very hard about word of advice for the newlyweds, and could only come up with these:
Have a good sense of humor, have a very short memory- laugh at each other’s mistakes, forget the shortcomings – that’s the secret to a happy marriage.
If you’re clever, you’ll have the last say. If you’re very clever, you won’t use it.

This day ushers a new beginning of a wonderful phase of both my sis’, and Jon’s lives.

Separately, you are two special, remarkable people, but together you are complete. As you sit side by side through this roller coaster of life, remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loops, and enjoy every twist and turn.
For the ride is much better when you share it together. Coming together is the beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.

And Jon, it is with great pleasure, that I have been able to give you the last 5 mins in which you’ll ever have the upper hand over Mei.

Please raise your glasses while I toast my sister, and her husband.
Here’s to love, laughter, and happily ever after. Cheers.

I’d have to admit that not everything that was said were originally from me.
So, credits to whoever that came out with them (I have no idea who)
But all that was said, were true, to my heart..and that’s all that matters.

Conclusion: I recall someone once told me “No matter how posh, how beautiful the wedding was, it’s only an event. Only for the day. Marriage, is everything that comes after. Both the ups, and downs. It wouldn’t be easy. It wouldn’t be just a bed of roses. But it could be rewarding”
And so, to my sis, and my new brother-in-law, I truly wish you a lifetime of happiness.

Small things in life

Sometimes, in the midst of all the happenings, in the midst of all the catch ups, we lose ourselves.
Sometimes, we get so caught up in chasing materials, we mistaken them as our dream.
Sometimes, we spend a lifetime chasing our dreams, only to realise that it doesn’t actually make us any happier.
Sometimes, we spend a lifetime chasing our goals, we forgot to actually enjoy life.
Sometimes, we get so engrossed in the rat race, we somehow overlooked the beauty of simple things in life: the blooming flower, the kindly smile, a hug, a “good morning =)” wish, the fluffy clouds, the clear blue skies.
Sometimes, we get so busy trying to chase perfection, we fail to remember that we aren’t meant to be perfect. We are only human.
Sometimes, we hang on to what we have so tightly, we fail to realise that at times, the way to move forward is to let go.
Sometimes, we give up our health for money, we fail to see that without health, nothing really matters.
Sometimes, we are all into me, myself and I, we forgot how insignificant we are as one.
Sometimes, we get so complacent, we take things, and people, for granted.
Sometimes, it happens so subtly, we are not even aware of it.

Tonight, I’m thankful.
I’m thankful that I could still see that while materials bring comfort, it may not bring happiness. Money could buy you a house, but not a home.
I’m thankful that I still have people who love me despite my flaws, my imperfections.
I’m thankful that my health has not totally given up on me, despite me giving lil attention to it past few years.
I’m thankful that it didn’t take me a lifetime to understand that things that matter most may not be something that can be bought with money.
I’m thankful that I can see, hear, taste, smell and feel.
For that means I could still see the cute fluffy clouds, I could hear the sound of waves, I could still smell the freshly cut grass, I could still taste the taste of life, and feel the emotions that we are supposed to be able to feel.
And I’m thankful that I could still understand that.
Perhaps it’s high time that I make a decision, a conscious decision, to make an effort, to enjoy the small things in life. To smile. To laugh.

*p/s: I am, in no way, implying that money isn’t important. Afterall, try being happy when u are cold, homeless, and hungry. What I am saying is, there is a point where money ceased to be the most important thing in life.
And that, itself, warrants another post, for another day.

Series of unfortunate events

The final quarter of 2011 started with a bang for me. As a matter of fact, it started even before the quarter started.

After a course in Penang, and a friend’s hens night, I fell ill. Very ill. So bad that it broke all my previous record of the number of days I was off work, calling in sick.
I was down with high fever, sore throat, cold, flu, cough and everything else that one normally gets when they are unwell.
I was suspected of dengue, so, the doctor took my blood sample for testing.
Luckily for me, it wasn’t dengue.
Unluckily for me, the bacteria in me was not going without a fight. A tough one…which took me 4 days off work just to beat it…
And what was worse? My laptop decided that it’s high time to throw tantrum and refused to start up….means, I couldn’t even check my mails…

Thankfully, I was feeling a lot better on Day 4, so decided to proceed with one of the meeting in office, and still head for our Away Day in Pangkor the following day so that I won’t let my carpool mates down,. I was the designated driver…and before I knew it, my autogate decided it was a good time to break down the day before the trip.
It wouldn’t be a problem normally, as the smarty dad had another manual gate at the back of the garage~!…..except the old “I’m refusing to start” Wira was blocking the way…
So, I had to call off the meeting in the end, and called the repairman multiple times to ensure he comes to fix the gate on that day itself…

When the repairman finally came, the dogs were getting very excited…the result?
Strike 3:

Well, they say bad luck hits you in 3…so mine would have ended…
or so I hoped…unsuccessfully..

A rather “weird” stomachache last Tuesday night which continued throughout the night, and the pain that didn’t seem to go away despite me having taken painkillers, as well as food poisoning medicine was the start.
By Wednesday morning, I went to the clinic, where the doc gave me a jab (2nd jab within timespan of 2 weeks), Smecta (for air in the stomach), a gastric pain pill, and another pill for food poisoning.
By noon, I was still unwell, and being the scardy cat I am, began to worry. And so, I drove to the hospital with the referral letter in my hand to “check-out” what went wrong.
The next thing I know, I was asked to be admitted there and then, and I should get ready for operation.
Numerous needles poking ensued (ouchhh~!), and by Wednesday night, I had undergone the necessary surgery.
The next few days went by in a daze, with me vomiting most of the time due to the general anaesthetics which took forever to wear off, and possibly, my body reaction to the antibiotics (according to the doctor).
I wasn’t allowed any food until the vomiting stops, so, naturally, I was on clear liquid diet for the next few days…
And so, I ended up sleeping from day to night, to day…waking up only when I had visitors, to vomit, to take temperature, blood pressure, to change drips, and to use the washroom…
I had no idea I could sleep so much…
I was finally discharged on Sunday, but still very much recuperating from home this week: No jumping, No walking fast, No running, No driving, No Nothing..just…rest..

And to make matters worse? A friend aka colleague came to visit me in the hospital, and told me some of them had a good laugh at my series of unfortunate events…and the hospitalisation and operation had to be the season finale….
(T.T)”

The consolation: I thank god for it to be happening now, and not during my sis’ wedding period. I’m also grateful that I found out relatively early, and was pretty well taken care of by the nurses in Ward 4B of Sunway Medical Centre during my stay there…
Thank You for those whom came to visit, to those whom sent me msges wishing me well, to those who cared…

Norm, and acceptance

How many of us think that someone who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t party till late, doesn’t practice open relationships, believes in sex after marriage, believes in marriage, believes in family values as obsolete?

A relatively simple question. Yet, the countless possibilities.
A series of events which took place recently brought me to ponder of it…
How far would we go to be with the norm, to fit in, to be accepted?

A topic proved too heavy for discussion with most of my friends, yet, a topic I have much interest on.

Most would start off, thinking that it’s a matter of choice, a matter of lifestyle.
Yet, many of us do believe that the person above, if still in existence, are the minorities, if not near extinction.

Surely, some take drugs, drink, smoke, by choice. It makes them happy.
A friend of mine went into great depth on life being too short to take it too seriously, that life should be enjoyed to the fullest, that we should do whatever that makes us happy.
Even if it may not be the better choice.
As long as the life we live, is a life full of excitement.

While another friend mentioned that it we don’t really lose a piece of meat if we do not follow the change.
There’s nothing wrong that some prefers to stay home on weekends, sleeping at 9pm, living a healthy lifestyle, staying loyal and committed in a single relationship, without sex.
Without a doubt.
Yet, we do follow the weirdest of things without truly questioning them, do we not?
After all, we conform when the society decided to take up a long piece of cloth, tie it around our neck, calls it a tie, and making that a formal wear.

I’ve never really seen myself as outdated, obsolete.
I read the news daily, I follow with the happenings around the world, I keep updated on the latest gadgets (or at least I try, with too many gadgets coming out too fast), I keep up (or try to) with the latest accounting standards for work related reasons, I adapt with changes, be it people, system, workplace, etc.
But at the end of the day, I couldn’t keep up with everything.
I missed out.
That consumption of recreational drugs is a norm.
That parties and outing till wee hours in the morning is a norm, drinking and smoking is a norm.
That open relationships, cheating partners are norm.
Surely, that’s a matter of choice of lifestyle?

Smoking is a choice.
Unfortunately, the person that got lung cancer as a result of 2nd hand smoke weren’t given the choice.
Drinking is a choice.
Regrettably, the person whose life was sacrificed as a result of drink driving, didn’t have that choice.
The wife who was beaten up as a result of domestic violence from binge drinking, didn’t have that choice.
Outing till wee hours in the morning is a choice.
Sadly, the parent, the partner, waiting for the children, the partner, worrying, had no choice.
(oh wait…they can CHOOSE to not worry…or can they really?)
Open relationship, having more than a partner is a choice.
Unluckily, the person who got cheated on didn’t have that choice.

Yet, more unfortunately, diminishing humanity, dwindling family values are also a norm.
We brush it off as if it didn’t exist, we turn a blind eye.
Even when drug abuse become more common.
Even when we see it in the newspaper every other day, some drama, one way or another, which involves a cheating partner, a mistress, a triangular relationship.
Even when we see sons and daughters sending the parents to old folks home.
Even when we see children throwing the parent out of the house. The very house the parent gave the children as a gift.

Is it a case that we do not see what we do not wish to see?
Is it a case of we deem it acceptable because everyone else is doing it too?
Is it a case of because it is a norm, it makes it right?
Or is it a case that it becomes justifiable that we do what makes us happy, even if it’s at the expense of someone else?

In the end, we would all like to be “the in and happening, the trendy, the ones “inside” the circle”
Is the question then, how much pressure before we would give in? To the norm? To fit in? To be accepted?
How much are we willing to give up, who are we willing to sacrifice, to satisfies our whims and fancies?

Yet, despite all that, I would like to believe that not all is lost.
I would like to believe that we could balance being in the norm, yet not falling out.
After all, we couldn’t live in silo thinking all is well when we could be weirdest person in office.
The question then becomes, where do we draw that delicate line to balance them all…

Managing expectations

Expectation, has always been a word so familiar with most of us, yet, it is one word that I have difficulty defining.
Dictionary.com defined is as an act or state of looking forward or anticipating, an expectant mental attitude.
To me, perhaps, implied a drive. A drive to achieve certain things.
Yet, sometimes, the more one expects, the more one gets disappointed.

Career wise, 5 odd years ago, I expected myself to stay in the career for 3 years.
That was all I asked from myself.
Or was it? Looking back at some of my older posts, it seems like over time, I somehow expected myself to stay longer.
To achieve something.
And perhaps naively, but I honestly expected that I’d be happy when I reach there.
Yes, expected.
Which explained the decision made.

Or did I, really?
Did I really believed that it would make myself happier? Or did I believed that it would make the people I cared for proud of my achievements, and happy to see that I’ve reached somewhere?
Was it my own expectation I was managing? or someone else’s?

A friend recently shared a pretty interesting read:

REGRETS OF THE DYING
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Inspiration and Chai

It was something I couldn’t help but noticed..how many of the 5 have I broken.
Most would say that at my age, I have a lot more life in me. It is not too late to catch up.
Perhaps, the better question is, living in the world we lived today, in this rat race we are in, how many could let it all go?

Then, another friend shared another article;
That people stay put, wherever they are, because they are fearful of what others might think if their move turns out to be wrong.
Despite knowing, despite being fully aware that the best is a past.
People stay in bad relationships for too long out of fear for failure, of a view of successful relationship was based on society’s expectations, not theirs.
Despite knowing, deep down, that the relationship has already failed.
People get out of good relationships, because in the eyes of society, in the eyes of others, the partner isn’t the person for him/her.

Sometimes, we held back out of fear for the unknown.
Sometimes, we would rather choose to be certain of being unhappy, than to take a risk for happiness.
Sometimes, we spend a lifetime managing expectations. But only the expectations of others. Of how our lives should be. Of what a life we should live.
So much so, we overlooked our own expectations. Our choice. To be happy.

Education, does it change our thinking, really?

It has been a subject I’ve refrained myself to write in much length, but it really has gotten wayyy too far.
The articles left me fuming. Seriously.
I didn’t know since when did some got so radical, and got so low, and was more appalled when it came from a medical practitioner. Someone highly educated.

Social ills caused by disobedient wives, say Obedient Wives Club

By ISABELLE LAI

PETALING JAYA: Obey, serve and entertain your husband – that’s the key message to wives by a club which will focus on how to reduce social ills committed by husbands.

The Obedient Wives Club, to be launched today, will provide tips to wives on ways to keep their husbands contented.

Its spokesman Siti Maznah Mohd Taufik said many social ills were caused by disobedient wives who did not bring joy to their husbands.

“Domestic abuse happens because wives don’t obey their husband. He must be responsible for his wife’s well-being but she must listen to him,” she told The Star.

Siti Maznah, a 48-year-old mother of five, stressed that husbands would not visit prostitutes if wives gave them a satisfying sex life.

“Wives should welcome them with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes,” she said.

On whether it was the wife’s fault if she was abused, Siti Maznah replied: “Yes, most probably because she didn’t listen to her husband.”

Global Ikhwan, an organisation founded by former members of the banned Al-Arqam Islamic group, is behind the formation of the club. It had also launched the Ikhwan Polygamy Club two years ago.

Siti Maznah said she treated her husband’s first wife like her elder sister.

“Altogether we have 16 children in our household. But my husband is a happy man, you can see it from his actions,” she added.

She said the Ikhwan Polygamy Club had over 1,000 members comprising husbands and wives. The average number of children per polygamous household ranged from four to 26.

Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, in an immediate reaction, said she was saddened by the development, adding that it did not reflect the vast progress made by local Muslim womenfolk.

“Unfortunately even today, there are still many Muslim women who are ignorant of their rights or culturally inhibited to exercise their rights in full,” she said.

Sisters in Islam acting executive director Ratna Osman said Islam advocated marriages based on mutual cooperation and respect.

“Abusive men often use women’s behaviour as a sick justification but in the end, their actions are their responsibility,” she said

The Star

If that wasn’t already bad enough, there was another follow-up article the next day, going into further details..

Keep husbands sexually satisfied to curb infidelity, says wives club

By Clara Chooi June 04, 2011

RAWANG, June 4 — A wife who obeys and fulfils her husband’s sexual needs will deter him from infidelity or going to prostitutes — that is the Obedient Wives Club’s (OWC) solution to curb social ills across the globe.
The club launched its Malaysian chapter at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club today and plans to spread its wings to other countries like Indonesia on June 19 and even European nations like London, Paris, Rome and Frankfurt in the coming weeks.

The OWC boasts some 1,000 members already — 200 in its first chapter in Jordan launched on May 1 and 800 in Malaysia, at least 50 per cent of whom are said to be middle- to upper-class career-minded individuals and intellectuals. The club was formed by Global Ikhwan which was founded by the now banned Al Arqam Islamist group and is open to wives of all races and faiths.

OWC vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamad told reporters that women often forget their duties as a “good wife” also entails pleasuring their husbands in the bedroom.

“If you look at the world today, women are already being treated as sex objects… in magazines, on TV… so why can’t they be sex objects to their husbands? It is legal and permitted by God.

“A good wife is a good sex worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore in bed to your husband?” she asked.

She said the OWC will hold seminars and talks to train women to be good wives, counselling sessions for married couples and will even offer lessons on sex and the art of seduction to those who request for them.

Dr Rohaya admitted the club’s message would invite much controversy and criticism, particularly from women’s rights groups and feminists, but insisted that a wife’s obedience to her husband would ultimately keep men from resorting to prostitution to fulfil his sexual needs.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept OWC’s objectives but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

She also agreed that the more liberated Western societies would likely find it harder to accept the club but reminded that the club’s concept stemmed from a universal belief in God.

A woman pleads forgiveness from her husband during a skit performed at the launch of the Obedient Wives Club at the Perangsang Templer Golf Club in Rawang today. — Picture by Clara Chooi
“It is common to have different schools of thought but at least they must be open to accept different ways of thinking,” she said.

Dr Rohaya said a man who is kept sated and satisfied in the bedroom would have no reason to stray and this ultimately results in a happy and passionate marriage.

“The family institution is protected and we can curb social ills like prostitution, domestic violence, human trafficking and abandoned babies.

“Now, this obedience is lacking and it is causing many marriages to breakdown. Men are having girlfriends and mistresses, they are going to prostitutes… I believe the problem starts at home where his sexual needs are unfulfilled,” she said.
She said women should return to the basic Islamic teaching that a good wife should fulfill four conditions — pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan month, take care of her body and obey her husband.

When asked if a wife should remain loyal and obedient to her husband if he abuses her or insists on going to prostitutes, Dr Rohaya said: “God has his ways and is fair to all. A husband is also subject to God’s rule, meaning he can go to hell too. But a woman must be a good wife to the end.”

The trained medical practitioner, who is herself a third wife and has eight children with her husband, said she is very happy with her marriage and considers her husband’s other three wives and nine children as her own family.

The club’s launch today, which was held together with a mass wedding ceremony involving 10 couples, saw the attendance of a large number of news organisations, including correspondents from major foreign wire agencies.

The Malaysian Insider

At this very moment, this is the one of the more topics being discussed in my facebook friends.
And I’m not surprised.

It was low. To compare herself, the wife, with a prostitute.
It was lower. That she sees herself as a sex object, and a sex worker.
It was lowest. That she could blame infidelities and cheating, on women. It was as good as blaming the bank for being robbed, the women for being raped, the prisoner-of-war for being tortured.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about respect.
A respect that one has for herself/himself, as well as the respect for the partner.
A respect enough for one to stay loyal to the partner, to not stray.

I thought a relationship, a marriage is about trust.
A trust that one earned, through time, that one could trust the partner to remain faithful.

Recently, a friend of mine shared an article, which I thought was a pretty interesting read.
That a relationship that has no romance, and no foundation to sustain beyond sex is a disaster waiting to happen.
That a relationship that that did not have the foundation of trust a relationship needs is a disaster waiting to happen..and that trust needs to be earned.
I guess none of the above matters to the woman (or shall I say, Doctor) who was interviewed in the 2 article above.
None of the above matters to the other women who joins the club.

I’m disappointed, to the fact that some women have no respect for themselves. That they could, willingly, be a sex object.
I’m even more disappointed, that the person that thinks that way, is not someone whom was denied education. On the contrary, it was one that is highly educated.
Most of all, I’m sad that this could be the reason why women are fighting a losing battle, on women’s equality, on women’s rights.

Being sympathetic

It’s rather peculiar how one thing leads to another.
Recently, I have been having my fair share of trouble with “getting connected”.
First, the modem died on me. Followed by the malfunctioning splitter. After that, the old modem decided to give me some issues by dc-ing as and when it feels like.
Today, I went home, and my phone line died.
Talk about testing my patience.
What’s weirder though, was that 30 mins later, my internet came alive, despite the line being dead.
I supposed there’s silver lining after all.

I subsequently told a friend of mine, whom laughed, and said that only last week, I consoled this same friend of mine, saying it’s just a line, when my friend’s line was down.
On one side of the coin, I’d say, karma’s a bitch.
On the other side though, is that when we look deeper, it has been easy for us to be sympathetic, to say we’re sorry for xx’s loss, or zz’s death. It is easy for us to say we understand, to say we feel the pain.
It is, however, really not quite as easy to understand. It is almost impossible to feel the pain.
There are places inside a person that words could never reach.

Possibly, the only way that we could truly understand what it feels, how much pain it brings, is through experience.
Unfortunately, it seems like that’s the only time we truly learn. We truly experience.
Only with the death of someone dear do we truly understand the tears that flow, the pain which no words could explain.

We sympathized when we see others going through a tough time, we sympathized when we see another in pain over the loss of someone dear.
We sympathized with those with disabilities. Physically, or mentally.
We even sympathized with those who faced a cruel twist of fate..acid victims, rape victims.

Possibly, we really have gotten it all wrong from the very beginning.
The last thing a person undergoing a tough patch in his/ her life want is possibly, the sympathy of another.
The last thing a person with disabilities want is for us to look at them, with our sorry eyes, feeling pitiful for them.
Perhaps, that act itself, is a form of discrimination.

Maybe, if only we know that very few people want sympathy.
If only we know that most people only want people who empathizes.
If only we really could understand.

Nonetheless, I’m not implying, in any way, or form that we should not have sympathy. In fact, I have much.
I truly feel sorry for them. Those whom are stuck in their lil world, refusing change, refusing to move forward, and to a certain extent, refusing to be human.
For human is supposed to be the more evolved species that has the ability to think, and make sound judgment..or so I thought..
And that’s, another topic for another time.