Negativity breeds negativity

“Negativity breeds negativity. We cannot let that infest us”
Those were the words that was often said by a person I knew..

I’ve never truly agreed with that, for negativity has helped me, as a person.
But, I couldn’t quite explain how…or why…but it has..

Until a few days ago, I stumbled across an article:

It’s Time to End Our Obsession With Positive Thinking

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

This well-meaning piece of advice was the chorus of a popular 80s song by Bobby McFerrin. It also probably represents the general philosophical attitude of western society in terms of how to maximize our quality of life.

There is a wonderful intuitiveness to such advice. Worry and other negative thoughts cause negative emotions, which are not pleasant. Conversely, happiness and thinking positively feel good. Easy choice, right?

“Think positively” and “the power of positive thinking” have become trademark slogans in our society. From self-help magazine articles to motivational speakers to friends and family, it has become folklore wisdom — fill your mind with positivity and you shall reap the mental health benefits.

In fact, negative thoughts and negative emotions tend to be seen as akin to germs and viruses — things to be avoided and fought. For many people, positive thinking is like medicine for one’s mental health (a cheaper, side effect free version of antidepressants).

The problem is that while positive thinking can yield some mental health benefits, an excessive and rigid search for positivity can bring about the opposite effect.

Sticking with the analogy of germs, negative thoughts and emotions (including stress) can be a good thing in moderation — like germs or viruses that stimulate the functioning of the immune system. There are a number of benefits of negativity, and at least some negativity in one’s life from time to time is probably desirable.

First, negative thinking can be adaptive. When problems arise, worry can be a constructive thing if it leads to problem-solving. Anxiety is useful when we are threatened and are in need of safety. (For example, you should feel some anxiety when driving in poor weather.) Sadness is a normal emotion in the context of loss. In fact, it is believed that the symptoms of depression evolved to facilitate the need for rest, protection and self-soothing.[1]

Second, negative life experiences (including negative thoughts and emotions) often play a significant role in maturation and character development. Guilt and shame not only allow us to recognize and correct mistakes we’ve made, but also to become a better person. Repeat experiences with frustration help build tolerance and may ultimately assist in the development of patience.

Third, the negative in life makes possible the enjoyment of positive things. Our perceptions are often shaped by contrasts. If you move your hand from ice-cold water to lukewarm water, lukewarm feels hot. A positive life experience will be more intense and meaningful if it occurs when stress and other problems have been in the background. When life is perfect, it is more difficult to enjoy the good things. Generally speaking, the threshold for receiving pleasure and enjoyment from experiences is more difficult to reach when pleasure and positivity are the norm.

Just as an immune system can become stronger with exposure to germs, people can become more capable of coping and enjoying life when they have had some exposure to negative life events (like a vaccine).

If negativity is a germ, positive thinking is Purell — certainly useful and needed, but some wonder whether its overuse weaken the user? Research shows that when people experience very few negative life events, they have less life satisfaction and more distress than those who have had to cope with moderate amounts of stress.[2]

Some people avoid negativity like they are trying to avoid a dangerous microorganism, and conversely strive to be surrounded by “positive energy” — a common pop culture term that I admittedly do not fully understand, but it sounds like a wonderful shield against the trials of life. (Oh, if only Schopenhauer had had more of this energy, how differently his life would have been!)

Now, allow me to be clear. I am not arguing against positive thoughts. They certainly have their place in mental health and can be very helpful and important.

However, it is probably best to use adaptive thinking instead of rigid, positive thinking. Adaptive thinking is defined by one’s ability to use whichever thoughts are best suited to a given situation. Sometimes we need to worry and feel anxious. Focusing on the positive while failing all of your university courses is not an adaptive strategy.

Conversely, trying to obsessively identify your faults (ie., self-criticism) and exaggerating the meaning of mistakes serves no useful function either.

Ideally, the goal is to utilize the most useful thought, emotion or behaviour — regardless of whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Psychologists have referred to this approach as psychological flexibility, and it is a significant predictor of psychological well-being.[3]

Being flexible with positive and negative psychological states of mind can be difficult to achieve, but is more likely to yield significant benefits in the long run.

Finally, it should also be noted that if it were easy to simply stop one’s worries and just “be happy,” I’d be out of a job.

Roger Covin, Huffington Post

Perhaps that was what happened.
Negativity may not necessarily breeds negativity.
For because of the negatives, we enjoy the positives.
Because of the sadness in life, we learn what it feels like to be happy.
Because we’ve been through the dark, we value light.
Because we understand loneliness, we cherish companionship.

The other day, What started off as spring cleaning turned out to be more. A fair bit more..
As I went through files after files, of study notes made as far as >10 years back, of certificates, examination results, achievements, report cards, etc., I had a walk down memory lane.
Some memories were happy, some not so.., some, surprisingly, still brings me pain till today..

But looking back…
Some success were overrated.
Some failures, overwhelming.
Some things which we thought was of utmost importance, in fact, has lil relevance.
Some emphasis, were way off the mark.
Some things which we thought matter, really didn’t matter.
While some things which we thought didn’t matter, are the ones that truly matters.
More importantly, while we were focusing on how to be happy, how to be successful, how to be the best of the rest, we have overlooked the importance of those not so pleasant experiences have in our lives..
That those failures, unhappy moments have the ability to shape our lives to a certain extent…in a good way…
It shaped mine..
We matured, and developed as a person, during adverse times.
We learn to stand back up when we fall, when the chips are down.
We learn of patience, of tolerance, of perseverance, and even, of compassion.

Some people has commented that I’m not the most positive person…
Perhaps, if only the person could see, there’s another perpective to it..

Change

When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

- Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Some change could be planned. Others, God’s plan.
As much as we would like to cling on to what is, to the status quo, to our comfort zone, change is imminent.
And learning to let go isn’t such a bad thing. We learn to embrace the new.
As much as we are afraid, being away from what we have all the while been comfortable with, could be exciting.

Some change for the better.
Some change for what they think is better.
Some change for what others think would be the best for them.

3 Jan 2012… marks the end of a chapter, and beginning of another.
6 years ago, I walked in, a noob, all excited, ever ready, to learn, to earn.
6 years later, I walked out, one last time, a lil wiser (I hope), a lil more experienced, a lil more seasoned.
As I walked out the door, I felt a lil lighter, a burden off my shoulder, yet all at the same time, I felt a lil heavier. After all, I did spend a lot of time here. Late nights, some weekends..
I’ve learnt much, I’ve gained much. But in exchange, I’ve lost a fair bit.
An opportunity cost that I was aware of from the start, a sacrifice, an exchange I made, willingly.

Someone recently said to me, “You’re finally giving up!”
Fact is, I’m moving on. I’m not giving up. They are not the same thing.

As I return the laptop, I hope that the change is for the better
As I return my tag, I hope that I made the right choice
As I walk out the building, sun shining, scorching hot, I glanced back, both glad, and sad.
Glad that I won’t be losing more sleep, and make my health worse..
Sad for as much as life wasn’t easy, I made some friends along the way, which made the journey a lot more interesting, a lot more bearable.

What follows subsequently, was something that was unexpected.
My expectation: I’d be enjoying the freedom, no more late nights, no more responsibilities, no work.
What happened: I was thrown out-of-whack.
I didn’t know what to do with the free time I have. I’ve lost my hobby and interest over the years, giving more attention to catch up with my sleep at every opportunity.
I was getting a lil restless.
And with so much uncertainties ahead, I was lost.

Thankfully, I have friends, and people who cared, that would listen.
That would help to put things into perspective.
This time off has also given me much time to do some thinking, and reflection..
And as much as I’m still fumbling in the dark, I’ve managed to find peace within me.
As the saying goes, “You do not have to see the whole ladder. Just take the first step.”
I’m taking that first step in faith.
That it is time to move on.
Even when I could not see what’s ahead of me.
Even if the unknown could be pretty daunting, especially when I’m no fortune teller.

I’m aware that not everyone thinks I made the right move, the best move for myself.
But I’m also aware, that if I don’t take that step today, one day, I would ask myself, why didn’t I…
It’s not a regret I would like to live with..
It’s a risk I’m willing to take..

Then I remembered, my dad once said to me “You are what you want to be. Your thoughts and actions, creates your reality, your fate”.
It’s time for my change, after being in my comfort zone, sheltered for so long.