Managing expectations

Expectation, has always been a word so familiar with most of us, yet, it is one word that I have difficulty defining.
Dictionary.com defined is as an act or state of looking forward or anticipating, an expectant mental attitude.
To me, perhaps, implied a drive. A drive to achieve certain things.
Yet, sometimes, the more one expects, the more one gets disappointed.

Career wise, 5 odd years ago, I expected myself to stay in the career for 3 years.
That was all I asked from myself.
Or was it? Looking back at some of my older posts, it seems like over time, I somehow expected myself to stay longer.
To achieve something.
And perhaps naively, but I honestly expected that I’d be happy when I reach there.
Yes, expected.
Which explained the decision made.

Or did I, really?
Did I really believed that it would make myself happier? Or did I believed that it would make the people I cared for proud of my achievements, and happy to see that I’ve reached somewhere?
Was it my own expectation I was managing? or someone else’s?

A friend recently shared a pretty interesting read:

REGRETS OF THE DYING
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Inspiration and Chai

It was something I couldn’t help but noticed..how many of the 5 have I broken.
Most would say that at my age, I have a lot more life in me. It is not too late to catch up.
Perhaps, the better question is, living in the world we lived today, in this rat race we are in, how many could let it all go?

Then, another friend shared another article;
That people stay put, wherever they are, because they are fearful of what others might think if their move turns out to be wrong.
Despite knowing, despite being fully aware that the best is a past.
People stay in bad relationships for too long out of fear for failure, of a view of successful relationship was based on society’s expectations, not theirs.
Despite knowing, deep down, that the relationship has already failed.
People get out of good relationships, because in the eyes of society, in the eyes of others, the partner isn’t the person for him/her.

Sometimes, we held back out of fear for the unknown.
Sometimes, we would rather choose to be certain of being unhappy, than to take a risk for happiness.
Sometimes, we spend a lifetime managing expectations. But only the expectations of others. Of how our lives should be. Of what a life we should live.
So much so, we overlooked our own expectations. Our choice. To be happy.