To stay, or not to stay

I’m generally a thinker, or so I think…
I think a lot, I ponder a lot. I think about my past, my future, and of course, my present.
I would wonder what if I didn’t head to Australia for my studies at the first place, what if I didn’t do what I did, what if I didn’t come home, what if I didn’t join the firm I’m with now..
Perhaps I would be a lawyer, perhaps I would be a pharmacist, perhaps I would be a psychiatrist, perhaps. But the fact remains as this: I would never know. Too many perhaps, too many assumptions, too many variables.

But people would still think about it. Think about their next step, think about their future, their career, their family.
For me, these days, more often than not, I’ll end up thinking about work. What’s to be done, what’s left. Time and again, I would stare at my laptop, looking at the impossibly long list of things to be done. And more often than not, I would feel that I’ve lost yet another battle, and I wonder, ultimately, what are my chances of winning the war.
I’ve wondered how did I get myself into this, working on a bare minimum of 10 hours daily job, with impossible expectations, way-off budgets, ridiculous clients, unachievable goals and unbearable workload. But most of all, I wondered how did I manage to last this long.

To be honest, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I see no way out, yet, I have no idea why am I so determined to continue this..
Or perhaps I’m not. I’ve had thoughts of giving up, I’ve had thoughts of slowing down, to take a breather, to quit.
I’ve had my share of frustration, my share of depression, my share of failures, lost battles.
I promised myself 3 years ago, that no matter what, I’ll stay for 3 years. No matter what. And I have achieved that.
Looking back, I have indeed achieved much in the past 3 years. Qualifications, promotions, increments, friends made. Yet, in exchange, I’ve lost a fair bit too.. my personal life, time lost, deteriorating health, fast-aging look. Perhaps that’s the theory of equilibrium.
Yet, on another hand, the world economy is slowing down, and with the theory of last-in, first-out, this may not be such a good time to embrace change. More importantly, the temptation of good earnings if I continue to stay on for another 2 years is definitely not something I can discount.

I’ve finally come to my crossroads.

I do not have any answers. I really don’t. At this juncture, I have more questions than answers. And hence, for some whom are concerned, I’m not rushing to make any rash decision. Not until I find out what I truly want.

Conclusion: It’s a long winding road ahead. For everyone. And I truly understand that the grass always look greener on the other side, although, sometimes, they may not be quite the case.